Tag: workshops

People Pleasing

On By Andrew FreedmanIn Personal and Professional Development1 Comment

“You may find this relevant today. Extracted from our workbook: ‘Create Beautiful Partnerships’ – we’re sure it will help”

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People
Michelle’s reality was loneliness

There are people who take all the time and there are people who
give all the time, the latter is exhausting

Michelle sat at the kitchen table smoking a very large joint; she drew heavily, inhaled the smoke and began to feel the buzz.

‘That’s better,’ she said to the empty kitchen, ‘time alone to chill with a glass of wine and a smoke, heaven!’

Michelle enjoyed being there for others, it helped her feel less alone in a way, but to Michelle, people always seemed so needy. She often asked herself: what was it about her that enabled people to open up, to share their sorrows so readily? Was she a good listener, a good friend, likeable?

The time alone continued for three days. Eventually, she became bored with feeling drunk and stoned, it was time to return to work and reality. Michelle’s reality was loneliness. Even when in company she could never quite push the feeling of being alone away. It helped to be with friends and colleagues, either at work or in her local later.

Andrew loved it when Michelle sat with him. They had both finished a tiring day’s work and were now in their local pub, enjoying the atmosphere and beer. To Andrew, Michelle seemed such a caring, lovely person, so easy to talk to. He was, of course, falling for her and in his eyes; she seemed to be warming to him.

As they talked, he shared more and more of himself, his fears, hopes and troubles. Michelle listened, made jokes and smiled in all the right places and seemed insistent on buying more than her fair share of drinks. Andrew made a decision, at the end of the evening he would ask her out. At the time, Andrew hadn’t even considered the fact he knew absolutely nothing about Michelle, all he knew was that he liked her warmth

And so it was, they started seeing each other and over the weeks became closer, more loving. The sex was great! In Andrew’s eyes all seemed well, until Michelle changed. She became distant, detached somehow. They started seeing less and less of each other. When in company, Michelle seemed antagonistic and critical of the things he said and did. It was the evening when he became angry at her criticism that he decided to call it a day

‘It’s just not working,’ he told her.

Returning home afterwards he felt sad and confused over ending it with his girlfriend, but knew her behaviour had become intolerable.

‘Well, there goes another one, disappearing into the night,’ said Michelle despondently. ‘And anyway he was just another needy fella, no loss.’

It was only later that Michelle began to feel sad and confused, she didn’t understand why so many of her relationships ended up this way. She had fallen in love with Andrew.

She topped up her glass of red wine, and then drew heavily on her joint. ‘Oh, heaven, time alone to chill,’ she exclaimed to the walls in her kitchen.

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To be considerate to other peoples needs is all well and good, however, to be overly considerate to others, due to a need to be liked, will in time end in the need to reject the people who learn to take from the people pleaser.

An individual who gives all the time will be neglecting their own emotional needs. This state of affairs cannot be sustained for long periods. When the people pleaser begins to sense they are neglecting their own emotional needs, it becomes necessary for them to reject the takers.

People are often confused by the people pleaser, as most of the time they are the life and soul of the party. They are the kind of person who can be relied upon to do the right thing by others, to be there for them. In time, the people pleaser will turn. They may slip into a dark mood and cut themselves off from others. Confusion for all is the result.

To be the partner of a people pleaser is hard work, as it can seem that the relationship is one long cycle of acceptance, followed by rejection and so on.

Conclusion

Needing to be liked by others is the people pleaser’s drama. Neglecting ones own emotional needs only results in a poor cycle of accept, then reject, the result of which is confusion for the people pleaser and those around them.

In our true story, Michelle was a people pleaser. Her own emotional needs came second. The cycle of accept, then reject, was necessary for her due to mental exhaustion. She needed to learn how to accept love and learn to believe that she was lovable.

We refer to the ‘ultimate rejection process’ within our heading; by changing her consciousness with alcohol and marijuana, Michelle was ultimately rejecting the self.

Solution

Putting ones own emotional needs first is paramount in beginning to change the cycle of accept then reject, a cycle that can happen when overly considerate to other peoples needs. It must be recognised that the individuals emotional needs come before anyone else’s.

Conversely, a person who dumps their emotional baggage onto others will continue to do this if allowed to do so. They may not have any consideration for the recipient of their garbage, they come away lighter, and the people pleaser will only ever ultimately feel dumpedon.

Important questions are these:
What is it that is lacking within me that drives me to want to please everyone else?
How is it so important that others like me?
What needs to happen for me to believe that people like me for who I am?

You can find your application form for workshop attendance here.

How to React With Gentleness and Dignity

On By Andrew FreedmanIn Personal and Professional Development1 Comment

Dignity

Recent experiences have taught me some valuable lessons. The lessons have been stressful. This, in the most part, has been brought on by myself. I often see the kind of provocation, I’m currently experiencing, as a personal attack on my dignity. In a sense, its my reaction, and consequent thought processes, that create the problem. I counterbalance, or rid myself of these stressors, through anger followed by rigorous exercise. This works in the short term, however:

“An additional means of dealing with stress is to firstly learn how to be gentle with ourselves, through our initial reaction, and secondly through taming the nature of our thought processes. A gentle response to provocation can be difficult to master”

So how do we do this? Making the assumption people are frightened is useful but not always correct. Sometimes people are simply looking for rejection. Perhaps they’re looking for someone to express repressed anger for them. Provocation and the reasons for it can take many forms with many differing roots. As a general rule, if our reaction to provocation creates stress and upset, this will be due to the provocateurs ability to touch a sensitive nerve.

“What is this sensitive nerve?”

We all have sensitive ‘hot spots’ that others can tap into. The issue of dignity, for example, is of great importance to me. If those around me are looking to rob me of this I react defensively. The only true way for me to rid myself of this sensitive nerve is to kill it. The way to do this is to question the root of why I feel the need to defend myself. What is dignity and why is it so personally important?

Respect

It often proves a mistake to expect people to treat us with any kind of respect. They might not know anything about us. We all have our own story. The story of our successes, failures, sadness and so on. Others can never really fully appreciate the place we’re coming from. So with this in mind, respect for our sensitivities, will never really happen until we’re loved and understood.

Dignity

Love

Why should we love and understand people? It’s often the case that when we look to love and understand those around us, they will then do this, in return. Respect is earned when we’re able to rise above antagonistic provocation. We do this through seeking to understand and love others. This is achieved when we can offer this to ourselves.

Through the process of looking to understand my sensitive nerves; my hot spots, I’m in the process of loving myself. This is where it must always start. Surprisingly, we begin to feel so much better – relieved of stress – when we finally, catch on.

If you’re the kind of person who’d like to better understand the points raised in this or other posts, workshop attendance, is recommended. You can find your application form here.

How to Adore the Company of Children

On By Andrew FreedmanIn Personal and Professional Development

“Let’s be honest, it doesn’t come naturally to all of us”

And even though we might not particularly enjoy children we may find ourselves with them. With this in mind, it is possible to learn how to adore them. You were one yourself after all.

I’m going to ask you some important questions now: Were you liked as a child? Did you get a sense of being loved? Did you feel the adults around you enjoyed your company?

These are interesting questions because it’s surprising how many children there are, who’s parents or carers, don’t particularly enjoy their company. In fact it’s often those parents who have made their children ‘mates’ that enjoy their company the most. The problem being, children need adults to be parents, not mates.

Mates don’t set boundaries, or teach children how to behave once mature. As adults we’re not actually here to make friends with our children, we’re here to raise them and set good example of how to be grown. There’s a big difference between mates and parents. If you need children to be your friends perhaps you should consider getting out more.

“So, even though we know appropriate boundaries dictate that children’s mates are other children, we can still adore their company as their parents or carers”

Children are extremely sensitive and will know if we’re enjoying being around them (as parents and carers) or not. In fact, when we get to the nitty-gritty of the situation, people who don’t enjoy children were often the ones not appreciated when they were small. Many of us have been taught to actually dislike our young through being disliked when young ourselves.

I myself was disliked. Children often find it hard to get the love and attention they crave from their parents. Bad behaviour is often resorted to when good behaviour just gets us ignored. As a means of getting attention from my parents, I’d often be very pessimistic and down, complaining about anything and everything. My father would call me ‘pessimistic Percy’ and yet I didn’t mind that so much; at least I was getting through, in some capacity. Getting on his nerves got me attention. Albeit the negative kind. As children that’s all we want and need: Our parents or carers love and attention. Hard for some to digest is it not?

“Rather a packet of crisps and something sugary while we drink our gin and tonic hey? Fucked up isn’t it?”

Here’s the key. To adore our children we must learn to enjoy their company. We must learn to enjoy their inquisitiveness; their seriousness at play; their beauty and innocence. When we acknowledge good behaviour we’re able to appreciate them at their very best: attentive to us and our positive love. To do this, we must learn to love the child within ourselves that wasn’t. Sound simple? It is.

You can learn more on an educational workshop. Here is the application form. See you soon.

Intention: A Beautiful State of Mind

On By Andrew FreedmanIn love, Personal and Professional Development1 Comment

“There’s a certain chemistry required to achieve a beautiful state of mind”

When you’ve found it you’ll know it. It’s a place of calm certainty that’s felt when everything is just ‘so’ and you’ve let certain things go.

It’s not a state of mind to be maintained. We’re not looking for a constant, meditative state, where we’ve practically switched off. If we had that, we’d never get anything done . However, we do need moments of certainty, and moments of calm. Without them, there’s no rest and no pause from the madness, of modern life.

“The way we find this state is to set ourselves a goal and then reach a place in our minds where we just know – with absolute certainty – that we’re on the right track!”

There may not even be any kind of tangible results from our efforts yet. However, it’s just a sense that everything’s been setup, to the best of our current ability. Although we know we can’t sit back on our laurels for too long, we can give ourselves permission to rest awhile, and allow things to develop as we intend.

“Sometimes it’s good to give yourself permission to accept you’ve done your best; it’s enough. The universe can do without your input, at least for a short while, anyway”

There is one important question here though: What is your intention? We do need a little tension in our lives after all. It’s this tension that pulls us along and motivates us to take that next step. Contact Us if you’d like to know more about achieving A Beautiful State of Mind. We must remember: procrastination is the thief of time.    

The Train of Your Thoughts

On By Andrew FreedmanIn love, Personal and Professional Development1 Comment

Train of Thoughts

What do you spend the majority of your time thinking about? Do you actually have thoughts about one particular subject that override all others? Let’s really pin it down with three further questions. Do you have a passion? Do you have a healthy obsession? Is there something you want to achieve that requires most, if not all, of your attention?

Very successful people would answer in the positive to the majority of those questions. That’s the first thing to be clear on. If you want success, you’ve got to be dedicated, to your passion.

“The train of your thoughts refers directly to what we can describe as the driving force for success”

For a very long time I’ve fought the tendency for my mind to be slightly obsessional. In some ways, those who’re likely to advise me against obsessive thinking, would be correct. Let’s be specific though, obsessive thoughts, can fit into two categories:

  • Healthy, that drive positive outcomes
  • Unhealthy, that drive self-destructive outcomes

The fight against obsessive thinking is a little strange, and to some extent, is simply a battle between factions of the mind, whose ultimate aim, is the same: to decide the nature of life. Put another way, one part of the mind is contented to settle back for comfort, ease and stability, the other, longs for something more.

It comes down to mentality or beliefs. The mentality of seeking comfort, predictability and ease, is the consequence of childhood learnings. The mentality of seeking more, be that challenge, change or variety, is often one introduced to us much later in life. The battle that raged within me, was, in a sense, simply being fought between two sets of belief systems. The first driven by fear, the second driven by love.

When put this way it can seem a little simplistic, however, I’d prefer you viewed this as a ‘beautiful simplification.’

Now for the reason I say this. Once we breakdown, what can seem a jumble of unsolvable and confusing conflicts, into its most basic components, we stand a much greater chance of winning the battle for the best. And be in no doubt, we must ensure love, is the winner.

The mentality driven by fear, is the one that’s looking to avoid the unsettling things we associate with change and variety. Potentially, and especially if your childhood had similarities to mine, the time we found these things unsettling, was during our development. Were you insecure as a child?

As children we crave stability, structure and security. It’s true to say, when children, we do in fact require plenty of security and stability. Insecure children grow up to be insecure adults who may shy away from life enhancing activities. Show me someone who lives with depression and I’ll show you an insecure inner child.

“Where our next meal is coming from, where we go to sleep at night – surrounded by familiar people who love us – is very important. The line to draw here though, is this: we’re no longer children”

If you’ve been fortunate enough to have been shown powerful role models, that clearly distinguished between the security of childhood and the adventure of adulthood, all will be well. If not, you will need to find these role models, later in life. This does potentially have the downside of creating a battle between old and new, however, we must remember, every battle can be won.

Winning the battle is decided by train of thought. Decide to become actively involved with training your mind. Wake each day to remind yourself what each part of your mind is seeking, and decide what that higher part of your mind, wants. That’s to say, do you seek a life driven by fear, or one driven by love? It’s very, very easy, when seen in this light.

Be strong with yourself. Follow each link. Read them several times. Decide: is the driving fear, or is it love? It really is that simple,

Will it be you I get to spend time with this September? It starts here. 

Beautiful Partnerships Create Beautiful Families

On By Andrew FreedmanIn Beliefs, love, Parenting, Personal Development, RelationshipsLeave a comment

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“It’s easy to see the relationship between the health of a parent’s partnership and the health of their families.”

When we consider the joy and love happy families create, it becomes doubly important, for us to be fully equipped before making that step, toward having a family of our own.

How many of us, on first setting out to meet and date members of the opposite sex, actually look that far into the future? How many of consider how healthy we could make our relationship in order for it to stand the tests of time? How many of consider if we could improve our understandings of relationships before starting a family; before bringing new life into the world?

My happiness is important to me. So much so, that my approach to how I find happiness has, at times, bordered on clinical. This is due to my experience and understandings of how important it is to ponder and plan out our daily lives. In terms of what I do, how I interact with people, and how I treat my mind, a constant state of awareness of these things, is important.

I suppose the main driving behind this, is my past; yes a negative past can drive a positive future, yet only through awareness and effort. If we have a limited, average awareness, we’re likely to perpetuate a negative past or slide into negative patterns of thought and behaviour. As an individual, raised by adult children with a dysfunctional relationship, I’m driven by a need to help others free their children of the distress this creates.

“Life can be full of sadness and difficulties, easily brought on by ourselves, simply through a lack of self-awareness. Raising our awareness is achieved through knowledge and greater understandings of our minds and how they work.”

If you believe your past has been happy, and your parents successful in their raising of you, you will of course be correct. Even though this may well be the case, we can only ever improve upon a job, you may consider well done, in order to increase the security, love and happiness we experience, through our future families.

beautiful families
Beautiful Partnerships Create Beautiful Families

The health of our children is directly affected by the health of the relationships they experience around them. Your children, or future children, will watch you and your relationships very closely. They’re hungry for information on how to behave in the company of others. As a result, your behaviour, becomes theirs.

Single mothers, for example, often come from families where being raised by one parent was the norm, or where their parents relationship was so dysfunctional, it created high degrees of distress and sadness. It’s fairly obvious to state, most single mothers would rather not be, and yet they often fail to understand how their minds have fulfilled the unconscious, negative desire, to be single. It may sound very strange to suggest that being single – in difficulty and unhappy – has actually been created by design; odd but true.

“Through the recognition of how our minds equally and unquestioningly fulfill, that which is both useful and positive and that which is negative and destructive, we break free from the bonds of our unconscious programming.”

If we value our happiness, as much as we sensibly need to, educating ourself through gaining an adult perspective on planning and awareness, will reward us with a brighter future, and the improved likelihood, of healthy happy children.

Begin thinking now about how important you believe your future happiness to be and take a look at Partnership Workshops for 2018: inexpensive weekend workshops for both singletons and those in relationships.

Charity: From the Inside Out

On By Andrew FreedmanIn Change, Personal and Professional Development1 Comment
roots
See the Roots

It’s the way it works.

Whether we like it or not, it’s the only way to change what’s happening for us.

Take the example of the father who’s training for a charity run in aid of cancer research. His daughter died young from cancer, and so now he carries so much survivor guilt, he’s getting fit and going on a long run. We can’t run from our guilt, just as we’ll never be able to raise, and give away enough cash, to be rid of it for good. The only way we remove guilt is through understanding it.

Sometimes people die young, the reason they die young, is because ‘sometimes people die young.’ To talk of a ‘lost life,’ if death comes early, is in fact nonsensical. When we do this we’re assuming that life is somehow a right and we’re also assuming that a person’s life should be naturally long.

“To think of a life lost we must create an imagined future – ‘they had their whole lives ahead of them!’ – well no, they didn’t actually.”

When someone dies, whatever their age, what determines natural causes? How is it we don’t consider a random mutation, that then goes on to form cancer cells, as natural? Is it not the case that random events are a natural process?

“When we stop fearing death, spend time with our minds in the present moment, and live everyday to its fullest, then we’re free. We’re free of those who would, and are, taking advantage of our fear.”

Let me go further. Let’s say you believed that flying was dangerous. Now, if you believed this to be the case, would you then spend a lot of time in the air, or would you avoid ever flying? Most people who fly are unlikely to believe it’s a dangerous activity. They may consider it an unnatural activity, for a human, but not actually believe it’s any more dangerous than crossing the road. So it’s true to say, and although strictly speaking incorrect, the belief: flying is dangerous, is likely to keep you firmly on the ground.

To go even further, let’s say you lacked the acknowledgement that flying is an unnatural thing for a human to do. To add to this, how about if your passion was flying, and you actually believed that flying was the most natural thing in the world? If this were the case you’d quite possibly spend a lot of time in the air – either through paragliding, ballooning or whatever –  and so does this then increase the odds of you dying through an air accident? Of course it does; it increases the chances of dying through a random event or accidental failure. And so dying in this way, (hitting the ground at high velocity) is it not something we could consider, a natural cause? A natural consequence to spending a lot of time airborne.

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Safe for Some

We can follow this logic in the same way with cancer. The more humans there are, the greater chance of random events, killing us. Cancer in children happens through random mutations, so the more children we have, the greater chance of this happening. Even though feeling guilt, over the death of a youngster when we’ve survived, is understandable, in this instance, it’s misplaced.

“Charity begins with understanding ourselves from within.”

Understanding the reasons, for so much of the suffering and inequality in the world, is far more productive than the charity of giving money. No matter how much money we throw at problems, or as a means of ridding ourselves of guilt, it will never be the cure. If anything, charity can carry the side effects of keeping people stuck through dependence, or compounding worthlessness and limiting beliefs in those who receive our charitable hand-outs.

“The root is always the thing to tackle.”

Every good gardener will tell you, it’s no good looking to simply snip of the leaves or shoots, from the weed. To be truly free from the problem you must tackle it at the root. In the same way, we humans, must stop looking to cure our problems by treating the symptoms only. I cannot guess when this started to be the fashion (big money earner, whoops, did I just say that out loud?) yet we must stop running around in circles, wasting the time and energy, that could be far better placed, tackling the root of our problems.

Learn to fly.