Confused and Contradicted?

“If you spent most of your life, feeling confused and contradicted, what do you think would be the long term effect?”

Insanity is one option, however, the favoured one has to be silence. That’s right, if, whenever you’ve given an opinion of fact – or otherwise – and you’ve found yourself contradicted, eventually, you’ll simply stop talking. So damaged will your self-esteem be that you’ll just give up. I’ve met a lot of very quiet elderly people. Eventually they say: “What’s the point in talking to these fuckers when I’m either wrong or ignored?”

What, if during any kind of discussion – be it heated or calm and constructed – things you’ve said in the past are brought up? How does it feel to have your face constantly rubbed in the nonsense you’ve said in the past? From being foolish in our youth, to mistakes in adulthood, most of us feel some residual guilt. In this respect, do you wish everything you’ve ever done or said, could be just deleted?

“There is actually a way to do that. You could just move on. Move away from those who confuse and look to bring you down through constant contradiction or guilt”

The other way though, is to find understanding (and probably still move on). Why do those around you contradict nearly everything you say? Incidental, they might not be doing this directly, there are some very subtle ways this is done, so you may not consciously recognise it. You might just feel put down and unconfident and not fully understand why. Eventually, even criticism becomes the norm. We stop hearing it, and just feel it, as anger disappears down into self-loathing and depression.

“Back in your basket naughty boy, how dare you try and rise above me!”

Consider how you feel, when giving an opinion, only to find someone else has already said it. Or indeed someone else has a slightly different or better take on what you’ve just opined. We can also have the strength of our opinions and expertise brought down simply by them being ignored. Get ignored enough, and you either realise what you’re saying is complete bollocks, frightens people, or it might just be a load of old hat. If it is, shut the fuck up, or you’ll find what you seek: confirmation of the belief you’re nothing important. 

The other side of this is, if we don’t have the good manners to hear someone’s opinion, and recognise it to be the right one, (everyone’s opinion is correct) this will be due to our own fragile ego. It could well be that we’re frightened of someone reaching higher ground than ourselves. As such, we look to confuse and contradict them, in an attempt to keep them at our level. If this is the case, we’re not doing ourselves any favours, the eventual break-up, will be far more painful. When we look to control others, the pain is far greater, when they eventually leave. This is due to the enormous amounts of effort and energy we’ve expended looking to trap them.

If you want to get along, never contradict anyone. You may feel they’re incorrect, however, think about your own beliefs and opinions, are they correct? Of course they are, so give everyone else the honour of seeing their opinions, as being correct too.

In my humble opinion, the definition of insanity, is not just the habit of doing the same things over and over again expecting different results, it’s not knowing what you’re doing, and how you affect those around you, that’s the real insanity.

Contact Us if you’d like to raise your self-esteem and cure insanity.

Children running free, Beauty of Naivety

Beautiful Naivety

Children running free, Beauty of
The Beauty of Innocence and Naivety

I’ve worked alongside a person, who has such deep and limiting insecurity within herself, it’s left me feeling bewildered. I’ve asked myself: how can this person think like this? How can she have such a shocking disregard of her own achievements? How can she be so insecure? and how is it she feels threatened by those of no comparison?

“The answer to these questions doesn’t lie quite as deeply as we might first imagine.”

If we’re not given sufficient reason to value ourselves when young, we will potentially always struggle to do so. An adult, who has faced neglect and/or physical abuse in childhood, will find it a persistent struggle to achieve higher levels of self-esteem.

It doesn’t matter what achievements they may have made in their life, they will never regard them as such, when inside, there lurks this lack of security and self-belief. A gremlin of monstrous proportions.

It’s often difficult when observing how the neglected are constantly fighting for their lives. Not only fighting to keep their heads above water, but also to wrestle down their own self-destructive, inner-demons. So damaged are they, that life has become an intolerable day to day struggle. Lonely people wondering why, this stinking mess of a life, has turned into such a goddamn hell.

“There is this desire to gently place my hands on her shoulders and tell her softly why she hates him so.”

I see her with these daily struggles. It would be so much easier for her if she understood the principles of projection: how we project our inner demons onto others. We don’t really know, that person sitting opposite us on the bus, but we hate him so.

“We hate him because he represents the coward who took our power and abused us back then.”

Of course simply projecting all this anger and hatred onto others, children included (even our own) does nothing but keep us angry, and hateful. To top it all, these feelings, also keep us confused.

Projecting our inner fears never fixes the problem. Not until we realise how our power was taken away from us, at a time when we we’re powerless to defend ourselves, do we start to change. Now we have a measure of power, we want to strike out, no matter our chosen victim. Stop wasting your energy.

Through these projections, our unconscious mind is looking to help us resolve conflict. When we get this, freedom from our demons, beckons. Do not blame the man on the bus, do not blame yourself, accept the truth and move on.

Small dependent children have the power of love on their side, and yet sometimes this love, doesn’t exist, within the adults around them.

“In this instance, even the power of love is shrouded in the darkness of a cowardly, abusive adult.”

The harmed, when touched by the love of an understanding person, in their adult lives, often don’t know how to react, or what to do with their conflicting feelings. They may even reject this kind of love as fear and confusion grips their soul.

In order to survive, children must love those they’re dependent on, and it’s so often this love, borne of their naivety, that becomes an additional weakness. As adults, believing we may be abused through our love once again, we shut down and reject the good from our lives. 

“When this love and dependence is used and abused by loveless adults, the gates of hell are opened.”

Even though the woman I’ve worked alongside has achieved greatness, even beyond what she can presently understand, I’ve heard her express how death would come as relief. If she could spend just ten minutes in the mind of a loved, cherished and protected child, she would clearly see the almighty struggle her life has been. It may fill her with rage, at the injustice and inequality of it all, and yet, it may also help her realise, what an amazing and beautiful survivor, she is.

“Perhaps then she would cease this journey of self-destruction.”

Children, who are understood for their beautiful-disability of naivety, and their beautiful-vulnerability through dependence, are fortunate. In this way and through these understandings, they’re set free on a course through life, that is sure and true. Fortunate indeed.

When we understand children for their capacity to love, we are all this fortunate, because we set ourselves free too. If only we could cherish more of our children in this way. If only.

In Response

Reflection
Reflection

“What we see in others is a clear reflection of what exists within ourselves.”

Reflection. In response to:

https://thinkingclearly.co/2017/11/06/another-reason-to-be-less-demanding/

These are things I came to see as absolute, with no grey area, nearly twenty years ago. Due to my need to see things, less as theory and more of: ‘is this useful?’ I’ve moved mountains within my own development following the philosophy of: what we see in others, positive and negative, is only ever a reflection of ourselves. How can we possibly recognise anything about others, if it doesn’t, or hasn’t existed within us, at some point in time?

“I think when we’re able to react with indifference, toward the negative behaviour of others, this indicates a clear acceptance of our own fallibility. Getting to this stage though, does take time.”

You actually have a right to be as demanding as you bloody well want. If those around you dislike your demanding nature, well, that’s their problem and something they need to deal with.

If someone doesn’t want to meet your demands, and that person has high self-esteem, they will tell you so. As a teacher, I believe placing high demands on people is actually your responsibility: it’s your responsibility to help others raise their self esteem and your demands help toward this.

It’s really all about perspective. A pig will only be demanding when wallowing in the mud. There are times when I need to raise my game, in terms of being demanding, simply because I’m fed up with the mud slinging many humans seem to require. I am of course indifferent to that ha ha!

The Currency of Love

“Of late, once again, I find myself stuck with negative feelings relating to my fellow man. At times it seems so hard to be positive and understanding of others.”

It’s when I feel this way that I know there needs to be some kind of internal change. My cynicism and revulsion perhaps has value in terms of me distancing myself from certain people, the only problem being, I tend to distance myself from everyone.

It’s the horrible generalisation – that all humans are egotistical takers – that’s damaging. Perhaps it’s when we have low self-esteem, and potentially slight depression, that we have such negative opinions of others, perhaps, in fact, we have a downer on ourselves.

Along with negative opinions we must be cautious of the current culture of over-analysing ourselves and others. We seem to be over thinking and over questioning our behaviours. From gender neutral child-rearing (the abuse of experimenting with another person’s life) to the size of our carbon footprint, we all seem to be getting a little bogged down with the detail.

“They say the devil is in the detail. Is it really? Confusion, over-thinking and over-analysis are only adding to our current distress.”

There can be no harm in just taking a step back and taking the time to understand the damage inflicted when our ego’s are out of control. The human will and the human ego are the reasons for so much beauty and also so much ugliness in the world. All we need do, is understand the simple roots, to so many of our problems, and we take out the confusion.

For example, there can be no harm in extracting good, tried and tested methods of child-rearing. Believe it or not mothers and fathers of the past did do some things right. Family units, where children felt secure, due to strong and powerful structure and effective boundaries, are not something we should question as being restrictive.

Building beautiful families (and indeed relationships – the root of a strong family) does in fact take a lot of effort. Is it the use of this effort and energy that so many of us are potentially looking to avoid? If it is, and we don’t want to devote ourselves to investing the necessary energy into building strong families, perhaps we should consider not having them at all.

“All we need is the ability to make this kind of decision by escaping our instinctive programming. There are other things we can do.”

Those of us who come from strong loving families tend to create the same in return. Those who come from strong loving families see the value in them. If we don’t know the value of creating strong relationships and families, we must either learn this, so as to give our children a powerful head-start in life, or simply give up on the idea.

Just never assume you’ll create a loving family if you’ve never experienced one. So if you go it alone, no harm done, enjoy your life and all that. You have permission to be free for God’s sake!

“Whether we like it or not, human children, with their developing ego and willpower, do need the kind of boundaries and structure we might find difficult to enforce.”

As parents we might find enforcing rules difficult through fear of falling out of our children’s favour. It’s a fallacy to think our children need to be our friends though. Enforcing structure and boundaries may at times feel uncomfortable, yet be rest assured, our children will feel more secure and loved as the result. In the long-term, we will reap the rewards – in society as a whole – when we once again embrace and understand the need for structure and boundaries when raising our children.

On recently reading the statistics, for the amount of young children referred to doctors for gender related issues, a little tremor of fear spread through my body: literally the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. Children’s minds are simply not developed enough to be left to themselves to decide what sex they want to be. Nature is easily relied upon when we are unsure as parents: if your child has a penis it’s a boy, and if the alternative of a vagina, it’s a girl. Simple. We socialise our children as boys and girls to create a type of balanced structure within society.

“When we project our dislike, or biased opinions and beliefs of what it is to be a man or a woman, we mold our children into being what they become: a reflection of those same beliefs and biased opinions no matter what genitals they’re born with.”

Uncertainty and confusion comes with growing up, it’s up to us, as parents, to help our children remove confusion and uncertainty – and not through a surgeon’s knife and injected hormones – but through love of ourselves and the opposite sex. Things are becoming so horribly complicated.

This brings me onto the recent stories surrounding sexual harassment. If, as a woman, you were raised with the belief and expectation that you’re simply an object of man’s desire, and its then up to you to manipulate and use this desire, you are then complicit in any kind of abuse. If you’re frightened of not getting that next promotion or acting role (same distinction) and so sleep with the director through this fear, you are then complicit.

“On the other hand, if your mother taught you that you’re a free individual, who will naturally be desired by men – and yet gave you the knowledge of how to use this in a constructive, not submissive or negative way – then you’re simply playing the game of life.”

When playing the game, to the extent you open your legs, more fool you. A good slap to the face of any potential abuser will do more to gain respect, all you need, in this instance, is less fear and a little more courage. Good, loving and strong mothers, instill this into the minds of our daughters.

The currency of love is the most valuable of all. This currency equips our children with the tools that enable them to push aside their ego and allow their will to prevail. In other words, the next acting role or job, is something to be gained due to high self-esteem and a powerful will, awarded through love in childhood. Our ego can be blind to the damage we can cause ourselves through striving for greatness.

“We love our children through setting strong boundaries and effective structure so they may flourish in their adult lives.”

Yes add colour to their lives by allowing them to be children, yet the black and white, of yes or no, rather than maybe, is equally as important. The currency of love has far greater value than we realise, all we need do, is understand how to implement it.

So much rebellion, so many fighting what they see as conformity. Love can never be allowing our children to run riot. Love can never be allowing our children to try and raise themselves. Children must have the security of structure and boundaries so they may grow into adults that contribute to a society that considers the needs of all. Remaining as rebellious children and then having children of our own is perpetuating confusion and disorder.

Front cover

Some might say that none of this matters. They may well be right and yet those of us who remember (instead of choosing to forget) the pain and fear, that comes with insecurity, loneliness and the disorder broken families create, think that it does matter. It matters a lot. It matters to our children. A person is free to choose who they are and what they want in life provided they are free of confusion. We constantly witness the troubled lives of adults with childhoods devoid of structure, love, boundaries and the effective guidance from powerful role models. It starts with you.

99.9% Certain of High Self-esteem

certainty

It’s estimated 99.9% of everything that has ever lived, here on planet earth, has gone extinct. From meteor strikes to sun flares, everything, it would seem, is out to cause our demise. Evidence shows that mass extinctions are fairly commonplace here, and if we add our own self-destructive tendencies into the mix, then surely, our time is limited, and 99.9% certain, to end altogether.

With these statistics in mind, it’s all too easy, to just throw our hands in the air, and just carry on with the party regardless, not caring very much about improving the human condition. What’s the point? you might ask. If our species is certain to die, why must we look to improve? Why not just continue to allow the downward slide, into the grey, and confused?

“What the doomsayers forget, and conveniently overlook, is the fact we’re currently the only species on earth, to have gained the level of consciousness we currently own. We are actually aware of what’s going on around us. When it comes to our continued survival, this awareness, may actually help us.”

Being aware, of the dangers we’re constantly surrounded with here on earth, is not something to shy away from, it’s something to embrace. Learning more about how to protect ourselves from the dangers is key. For example, we know from recent experience, that it’s older buildings that crumble and collapse during earthquakes. How we respond to this small piece of hindsight is up to us.

We also know, that a sun flare, or meteor strike – if either were massive enough – would be sufficient to wipe out vast swathes of life on earth. Staying with these examples, quite simply, the key to our long term survival, is to learn more about the sun, the earth and the universe as a whole. We know a lot less than we might think.

You might wonder – in a quiet moment away from the party – why is our future survival so important? If most of what has ever lived, has gone extinct, is that not just the way of things? If the dinosaurs hadn’t expired we wouldn’t be here anyway. Some say extinctions are a necessary part of evolution. It could well be that what replaces us, after our eventual demise, is the improvement some seek. But even though we might say these things, let us deal in certainties, for a moment.

“What is certain, in this moment in time, is that you’re alive. You’re breathing in and out. You have an opportunity, whilst alive and breathing, to make adjustments to your future. That is a certainty.”

Predicting extinction, based on the past, is of no real value in the present moment. One theory I recently heard, is the behaviour of the weather, the sun and all manner of natural events, is affected by the position we currently hold in the galaxy. This is to say, our relative position to the galactic centre, has great influence on natural events. Who’s to say what these events are likely to be? It may well be, that the relative calm – earth is currently experiencing – is likely to continue for eons. Plenty time enough for us to increase the odds of our survival.

“The upshot is we must never give up. Even when the odds, seem stacked against us, we humans go on. It’s this spirit of survival, in an unpredictable and violent universe, that has helped us make it this far.”

On a slightly less dramatic level, based on recent experience, the feeling is we’ll likely make tremendous headway, toward our future survival, by focusing our attention on one thing: Self-esteem. It’s self-esteem that holds the key to so many things, and yes, once again, it’s something so fundamentally simple, that we’re missing it.

“High self-esteem enables us to push aside prejudiced, preconceived ideas, that stop us from seeing the alternatives to our behaviour.”

Those who have high self-esteem are enabled – through their courage – to easily consider the opinions and points of view of others. High self-esteem enables us to remove assumptions. We know nothing of others motives and intentions, and high self-esteem helps us to remove any defensive, blocking stance we may have, when it comes to dealing with others. Everyone has something to teach us; high self-esteem helps us firstly see this, and secondly, it helps us acknowledge, and then act on, what others show us.

“If we continue to behave in the child-like manner – many of our leaders are currently exhibiting – it’s our ignorance, of each other, that will lead to our extinction.”

The will we have, to overpower each other, is driven by self-esteem. This is not what you may be thinking. It’s low self-esteem and lack of confidence that causes us to seek the power of others. Often, in the process of seeking others power, we cut ourselves off to advancement. Dismissing, what others have to teach us, in whatever manner, is as a consequence of lack. It’s the confident students with high self-esteem that do the advancement.

“Low self-esteem is exhibited by the student – with the knife in his pocket – who sites at the back of the class.”

The way to change this lack, is to simply be aware of the symptoms. If you find yourself dismissive, defensive, or indeed attacking of those who approach you, question why. The root, of course, lies in parenting, and how we were parented. The most effective mothers and fathers are those who hold high self-esteem. The way to gain 99.9% high self-esteem is to raise your awareness of this.

And so, just as our awareness will be our saving grace as a species, make this your personal goal, and pass it on. In the process of passing it on, you’ll recognise those who need your help, in raising their self-esteem. The first road we must all take to our future survival. Simple.

certainty

 

Self-Esteem Building & Escaping The Past

“In my dream I’m riding a bike, it’s not any ordinary bike though, no, it’s got this strange canvas canopy built over the top. The frame of this canopy is made of a very light material, carbon fibre or aluminium. At first in the dream I’m thinking that it’s there, this canopy, to keep the rain off, but when I start to pedal I begin to take off, I begin to fly.”

We could think of the canopy as being our self-esteem. Yes, it keeps the weather off, yet it also enables us to fly. We fly provided we put in the required effort; in order to build up enough speed to get airborne, some hard pedalling is needed.

What exactly is this hard pedalling? Well beautiful reader, the hard pedalling represents the effort we must exert, in order to change our conditioned brain. Our conditioned brain, is the part of us that keeps our self-esteem, firmly on the ground. We prefer not to change, we prefer not to move on, and this is all due to the conditioning from those who’ve kept us on the ground, and of course, our own reluctance to make a shift. To make a change, and shift our lives into another gear, takes effort.

“For some it takes no effort at all: they simply decide what they want and where they need to be in the short term, or even the distant future, and they change. Simple.”

Yet for others, there’s this need to remain static, to remain comfortable with the status quo undisturbed. For these people the self-esteem canopy never gets enough wind beneath it, to lift them to those greater heights. Unimaginable heights, and that, is part of the problem.

An Infectious Disease

The human animal hunts the weak or vulnerable, this includes its own. We know there are those who use and abuse. We also know about the paedophiles, the rapists and the murderers; the extremists who value hate more than life itself; we know all about them. We must see them as part of human nature that we’re constantly looking to eradicate. The dilemma is, this kind of sickness, is infectious.

Infectious to the degree that we protect the abusers. We spend time with those who keep us stuck; those we feel some kind of allegiance to; some kind of responsibility or duty. Often, it’s family, we feel this kind of obligation toward. We stay close to those who keep our canopy of self-esteem from lifting us off the ground. We’re always pedalling uphill.

“How is it we’re unable to value ourselves sufficiently in order to break these destructive bonds? We’re unable because of conditioning and guilt.”

So how do we break from the past and its abusers? Well, quite simply, we just make a decision – empowered because we now feel informed. Now you know the truth, of why you’re not achieving, there’s no escaping it now.

Each time we defend our current position, we pedal a little harder. Each time we repeat old patterns, we pedal a little harder. All this pedalling is wearing us out. We catch colds, develop aches and pains; we become incapacitated. Our canopy of self-esteem is collapsing. The chain is beginning to rust. The air in our tyres is escaping. It’s all becoming too much.

But hope lies within; there’s a little glimmer of light. Part of you really knows, and is building the courage to push, just so you can reach the crest of that next hill, up there on the far horizon! The difference is the accepting. The accepting of the human condition. Your self-esteem canopy will fill with air; you will weep with the effort it takes. The effort it takes to understand this dreaded disease the lies dormant within us all. The hunting-disease we carry; the desire to prey on the weak and the vulnerable, so they become stuck too.

Distance yourself from the limitations of the past. You will achieve greatness you never dreamed possible. Contact Us.

The Low Self-Esteem Trap

confidence
We’re trapped by our low Self-Esteem when we needlessly defend a point of view or attack those we feel threatened by. Take a moment to work through your day and discover the moments when you’ve done this. Be aware of the self-perpetuating, limiting nature, of our defensiveness, driven by our lack of confidence and low self-esteem. There are those, who genuinely want the best for us, if only we let them in.