Attention From The Gentle Humankind

Attention From The Gentle Humankind

How do we gain this from each other? How do we get people to be attentive to our needs? Do we shout? Are we quiet? Both extremes can gain us attention can’t they? Perhaps we need controversy. Are we inclined to say provocative things? Are we antisocial, spiteful or mean?

Think of the extroverts, they’re certainly attention seekers. Wild dress, or no dress at all! It gets them what they seek. All in all, on one level or another, we’re all playing some kind of game in order to gain the attention of others. We all want to feel less alone. More attention equals less alone.

“What, on the other hand, if you shun this and want time alone?”

Over the years I’ve known plenty of people who’re extremely adept at getting people to reject them. The ways in which rejection is achieved are myriad, and far too complicated, for this particular post. It’s true to say though, being alone, isn’t actually something many people seek. The majority of us are looking for the opposite of alone.

Attention From The Gentle Humankind

And so attention seeking is the norm. To understand the methods we use to seek it, we only need take our minds back to childhood, for a moment. Indeed, in this respect, it could be said that’s all we continue to do throughout the majority of our lives: seek the attention of parents. What we are actually seeking is love. As touched on in previous posts, love, is something slightly lacking at this time.

“Has the balance between love and fear tipped toward the negative and become the overriding driver?”

An abundance of love, found from within ourselves, would potentially stop the constant need to seek the attention of others. Would the unconscious need to seek love and attention from parents, be less prevalent, if we’d received it in abundance, when young?

“Children, with attentive parents, are less likely to grow into adults who seek it in a negative fashion”

Attention seeking adults are currently creating havoc in the world today. We could say this has always been the case. We could even say, the numerous and atrocious activities of violent people from our past, were just the activities of the unconscious seeking approval and attention from neglectful parents.

Attention From The Gentle Humankind

How would things be, if the human mind and its concept of love, were better understood? If there existed an authoritative rule book on parenting – that parents or future parents felt obliged to follow – would there then be less unrest in the world today?

Attention From The Gentle Humankind

One thing’s for sure, if we all stopped using such negative means, for gaining each others love, things would be a little quieter right now. How would it be if we all gained this through gently asking each other, about, each other? Would I have you then? It seems most want this through upset, anger, and controversy though don’t they?

Attention From The Gentle Humankind

They want anger and upset to do the trick. They’d rather this, than any fascination we might hold for their loves, lives, passions, successes, and yes, even their failures. Why is this? What’s happened to the gentle humankind? What’s happened to the interest we used to show for each other? How is it we’ve become so locked up within ourselves?

Attention From The Gentle Humankind

Would you like to tell me about yourself? What’s happening for you today? Can you believe in a genuine interest? Can you display the necessary confidence to be genuinely interested in another?

Educate

Educate Me; Make My Life Beautiful

“Imagine every child making that statement”

We’re not hearing it said out loud. In fact, it’s doubtful we ever will, however, for the sake of the children, and their future, we must begin to imagine every single child asserting it.

How many of us regret the things we’ve done in those unthinking moments of the past? Perhaps we’ve been consumed with passion and things have gone too far. A baby has been conceived and an abortion the answer. Would proper sex-education have solved the issue of unwanted pregnancy, and the complication of unchecked psychological damage, of abortion?

Currently only a third of children are guaranteed any kind of sex education in the UK. Even then, are the lessons really detailed enough for children entering adolescence, to make the right choices?”

It’s a certain fact, even when children are properly educated about cause and effect, they’ll still act irresponsibly. They are after all still children. So potentially, the main issue we’re facing, is young adults failing to comprehend the weight of responsibility having children brings.

Explaining, through the use of imagination, how a gorgeous new baby carries such responsibility, and eventually becomes an adult life molded by them, would certainly help. If they remain ignorant of these things, young adults having sex, are unlikely to be considering all the ramifications of their actions. If they are aware of the risks, but carry on anyway, it’s the ability to gain control over instinctive drivings that’s lacking.

Educate

Do sex education lessons include how to help each other achieve sexual climax without penetration? They didn’t when I was young. My advantage as a younger man (regardless of being raised and educated a Catholic) was a clean and clear understanding of what condoms were for. My opinion then and now is bollocks to the Catholic church and its antiquated views on the subject.

“Besides why aren’t parents taking on the responsibility of educating children about sex? Have we not grown sufficiently yet to overcome our guilty embarrassment? Not when we’re taught – through religious antiquated beliefs – we’re guilty sinners, that’s for sure” 

So many lives would stand better chance of becoming beautiful if parents made the correct presumptions. All parents must understood the need to presume the child has made the statement: Educate Me; Make My Life Beautiful. Properly educating girls and boys about cause and effect, the power of choice, how to create opportunity, how to control themselves and the workings of their minds, would create beautiful lives.

Adulthood can be a beautiful thing, when, in childhood, we’re gifted the tools that help us create our own destinies. Thinking skills are these tools. For example, we have so many options and choices nowadays, that once the skills of predicting future outcomes is explained to us, we’re able to eliminate so much confusion. When we ask: What is the likely outcome? We eliminate much of the unnecessary. When we ask: How am I creating this problem? We eliminate much of the unnecessary. In addition to this, taking the overdue leap forward, away from superstitious beliefs and their teachings, must now come. The confusion our children face is extraordinary.

There are so many other humans in this world that seem intent on keeping us stuck in the past. We must be aware, they do this because it serves their purposes, and no one else. They’re deluding themselves, and us, into believing that what they’re doing and teaching, helps their fellow man. The truth, is their nonsense, keeps us from advancing. All delusions are self-serving.

“It takes a fully grown, adults perspective, to help our children fully understand the power of what they choose to believe”

Imagine if you believed, at a level below your awareness, that using a condom is a sin but also knew abortion acceptable by law. Is that confusing? If girls really understood the psychological impact of abortion, they’d be thanking us all for educating them in how to help their boyfriends get their rocks off, without penetration. When we push aside superstitious, confusing and antiquated beliefs, and the teachings that come from them, we stand a greater chance of awarding our children better lives.

“We create beautiful lives when we recognise the natural talents of children and help to nurture them”

“We properly love our children when the goal is to gently teach them how to exceed our own expectations”

We love our children when we empower them. The empty void of their minds from birth needs to be better understood and respected. Confusion and conflict is the root cause to so many of their problems. When the message is clear and exact, there’s a greater chance of the paths – they go on to follow through life – also being clear and exact. Nurturing their natural talent comes when this is simply an extension of how we’re nurturing our own. Closed off, antiquated beliefs, that lack reason or usefulness in a modern would, are to be shunned.  

  

A Grown Up Passion

“What if everybody had an ‘I’m all right Jack, pull up the ladder’ attitude to life?”

What if every man was for himself? Not difficult questions and the answer is simple too: Society would become increasingly chaotic. We’d certainly have an increasing number of lost young men as their self-centered fathers deserted them. Young men left to find their own way in life often fall into the wrong kind of company.

Thankfully there are plenty of men who understand the need to be a good father. It often takes a lot of strength to be a good parent. A parent who’s prepared to look closely at the relationship they have with the mother or father of the children.

These same man and women understand the difficulties we all face within our relationships. Some of them are very patient, gentle and understanding, of their partners. Relationships can become very strained at times, and when we’re unable to understand why we may be rejecting each other, conflict grows and grows until the eventual split.

“It also takes a lot of strength for parents, who’ve decided to split, to become accepting of the importance of their respective, continued involvement, with the children”

It may be convenient for us to believe that a child only needs one parent. However convenient it may seem though, study after study has shown, when a child has a balanced and wide perspective of life – and idea of what it means to be a grown man or woman – they have greater chance of living a happy adulthood.

“And so it’s the ‘I’m all right Jack’s’ of this world who make it so challenging for the rest of us. Once again this has a lot to do with maturity”

In my previous post I spoke of my need to empower before feeling any sense of direction and purpose. For me to continue concentrating this need – on just one individual – as I did as a younger man, would be suggestive of emotional immaturity.

To only focus this need on the closest to me – potentially my partner – would also indicate an ‘I’m all right Jack’ kind of attitude. It simply doesn’t serve society well, if all we think of empowering, are those in our immediate vicinity; those in our family or close social circle.

Think of all those individuals who’ve chosen to work with our troubled and abandoned young. Youth workers and teachers. Do they have a self-centered attitude to life? Hardly. Potentially, and as hard as you might find this to accept, they’re the one’s stopping this whole mess from falling apart at the seams.

“We need a greater number of people, who recognise what kind of maturity is required to escape self-centeredness, teaching us how to find this for ourselves. The more mature we all are, the stronger our positive bonds, become”

In the long term there is no benefit to being self-serving. Think of the eventual pain and loneliness experienced by those who’ve lived codependent relationships. When one of them dies so does the other. When we see beyond the dead-end-brick-wall of self-centeredness, we open up our lives to more love, more compassion; more of everything.

Join us this September and experience what the maturity of paying it forward really means.          

What Would it Take?

“What would it take to help people understand, if the situation is bad to begin with, having children, will only make matters worse?”

And what if our understanding of the opposite sex, relationships and love, is also sketchy to begin with? How can we possibly expect to know if this person – we’re choosing to have sex with – is likely to make a good parent or not? How do we know if we’re going – quite literally – to be left holding the baby?

There is a golden rule that must be imparted to all young people: Only once you’re able to take full responsibility for yourself, should you have children. It’s obvious and yet it would seem the obvious escapes the minds of many young people. It’s no wonder the expression ‘snowflake generation’ has come about. What with their overblown sense of entitlement and lackadaisical attitude to life… blah, blah, blah.

You know what, none of this really matters, does it? The only thing that matters to the young is getting pissed, getting laid, and generally pissing everyone else off in the process. Or, to be more specific, it certainly is if you’re a young person, with no purpose, and no direction in life.

As a young man I might have been a fucking idiot but at least I was an idiot with a purpose: to empower another person. The person I loved. Without that drive I was nothing. I tried it once and my whole world fell apart. We all need someone to love; someone to empower. Without it we’re nothing.

Those might sound like dramatic words and yet there is a truth within them. In fact they might only be my beliefs, however, the point to pick up on here, is the purpose and direction they teach.

“When our young have no purpose and direction they are ships lost at sea with no sails, rudder, or engine. They are adrift and lost to us all”

The thing is, it’s not actually difficult to instill passion and purpose into a child’s mind. When you look closely at all the healthy, and dare I say it, wealthy people  in the world, what they have, is passion. From snooker players and physicists, to footballers and musicians, passion is the key.

If you want to keep children out of gangs, out of trouble, with the potential to live a long, healthy and wealthy life, find them passion, and do it quickly. It’s very, very easy. All you need do is understand the empowerment of love.

Personal Development – The Rise of Emotional Maturity

Emotional Maturity

“The majority of us have something specific we want to be good at. This, of course, is where the personal element of Personal Development comes into play”

Let’s say your goal was Emotional Maturity. It’s certainly a grand goal to have, and one that benefits not only the individual, but society as a whole. Becoming emotionally mature assists your life and the lives of many. Just being around someone who has this development in mind is a refreshing and beneficial place to be.

From our standpoint, emotional maturity, is based on wholeness. Wholeness is achieved through raised awareness of the self and drivings. Emotional maturity has been achieved, when our drivings become less self-centered, and more concerned with the greater good. This is a fabulous marker for recognising our own maturity. What are your true motivations?  

“Setting great examples to those around us is also an indication of our emotional maturity”

There is so much we can do, that sets great example, to demonstrate this. Take for example picking up rubbish from the streets. If we do this angrily, looking to shame the litter bugs, it defeats the objective. Alternatively, picking up after others, then calmly placing it in bins, sets good example. We’re able to do this when guided by a maturity that understands this kind of behaviour also gets noticed. And better still, it gets noticed, in a positive light. It’s setting this type of good example that makes the difference to those who are less mature than ourselves. They need our positive influence.

To continue with the emotion of anger, as example for a moment, we can know that becoming angry, through the inconsiderate and unthinking behaviour of others, is only useful when directed in a constructive way. It’s only when we direct our annoyance – away from the unthinking child – but at the root of the problem (immature parenting) will we effect change. Emotional maturity dictates we do this, not by shouting and blaming, but through understanding.

To explain further, let’s bring things down another level: What is at the root of immature parenting? Statistics give us a clue to this. Birth rates amongst the poorest in society are on the rise. Why is this? The belief that lack of money equals lack of opportunity may well have a bearing on this. An unthinking attitude to life – only barely self-aware, and as such subservient to our instinctive drivings – obviously limits our options and opportunities.

“It’s not the amount of money we have that dictates this, it’s whether or not we’re able to see the alternatives, through being shown good example”

It is possible to live a full, creative and happy life, without being wealthy? Indeed it is, and all we need now, are more people setting good example of how this is done. Emotional maturity is the start and a prerequisite to all of the above.   

The Lost Souls: Boys Without Fathers

“Who does your Mummy love? Your Mummy loves you” said the young mother to her son. The child in the pram just giggled uncomprehendingly. He was giggling because his mummy, his precious protecting mummy, looked happy. He could not only see it in her eyes; her smile, he could also hear it in her voice. The reward he offered her was a toothless giggle, kicking his legs; defenceless to her love.

There was only him and her. No dad. Who needs them anyway, just needed inseminating, and then he was gone, she’d often think. Sent packing, rejected by anger, seated by her own mother’s rage.

As the little boy grew he looked around him for others to follow. The easiest way to do this, was to watch mother closely. Who takes her attention as well as him? There’s no one at first, and then he spots him. No normal man. He hangs on a cross in their local church.

St Michael's Church
St Michael’s Church Wolverhampton

An imposing figure, hung there, head bent, knees bent, nailed to a cross made of wood. A huge crucifix, suspended from the ceiling, by wires. It commands your attention; there’s a dying man – he’s always dying, never actually dead – cruelly nailed there.

As a young boy, it fascinated, appalled and frightened him, in equal measure. It seemed to him, there was no concern, for the impression it made on his mind: The emptiness and confusion it instilled there. Or was this not true, and the intention clear, to an adult observer that is. It was meant to inspire, shock; to fill one with awe, wonder and questions. This was who mother loved. This man hanging there seemed to take her attention. She played the organ for him. She sang to him.

“And so in the young boys mind the game begins. How to compete with the attention given to this man – so talked about – every Sunday, hanging there in front of him”

He mustn’t lie. He must be a good boy. He must never takes the lord’s name in vain. He must always listen to mother intently; always obedient. He will serve on the altar: carrying Christ’s spirit in a candle; giving the priest the body and blood of the man his mother loves. Would this child one day travel to Rome and become a priest himself; always baying for the attention of his mother? Some do.

Sons love their mothers and they watch them closely. A young child soon becomes aware of how their very survival depends on their parent/parents or carers love. A boy will compete for the love and attention of his mother. He may compete against a father, or any man, who’s seen as a potential threat; taking mothers attention away from him.

The reason he will do this is survival. He needs the love and attention of mother. He needs her love to survive. He needs her approval. Without it he could perish. He also needs this understanding, from the men in his mother’s life, or things get tricky. If mother has a succession of men in her life, things get confusing. If there are no men in mothers life, things become ill defined.

In the natural scheme of things, this competition for mothers attention, is healthy. Healthy, in respect of a sons need to model himself and aspire to who gets his mother’s attention, the most. Under normal circumstances this creates a bond between son and father. They both want mothers attention and competition is healthy.

“If it’s the son who wins this attention (instead of balance through appropriate understanding and boundaries) and mother has settled for having no meaningful relationships with men – who also love her son – the child’s development is affected”

His sexual development might be affected, as might his confidence, and direction in life. Good role models are a must for young boys so they may hold things together, and develop into balanced, rounded young men. The figures prove it. Whether single mothers like it or not, lads do need dads.

It’s not for us to suggest that single mothers aren’t doing their best. Many are, and they’re often doing this, through difficult circumstances. We must all love the single mother. Some men simply don’t have the courage to cope with being a father, once the relationship with the mother of his child, has broken down. Some single mothers are of the opinion that their exes make poor fathers. Some men are simply shits. Some women are manipulative, bigoted, and ignorant. Simply human.

Is it not the case that anything is better than nothing? We do know, with or without a father, the child may still turn to crime, drugs or whatever. However, with a father figure, at least he has the option of making a choice for himself.

He knows he was created by his father and will come to know the attention (and what kind) you gave that particular man. When the father is rejected, confusion sets in. On break up, calm, gentle conversation, with sons – from both mother and father – clears confusion. It becomes safe for the child to choose what parts of those around him – he might model himself on – and future become. Ideally the good parts.

“The lost souls of young boys cry our for understanding. What shall I be? Who am I? What is this being a man? How must I be?”

Although a difficult act to follow, the lost soul in our story, at least found someone, to model himself on. Far better to give our sons good, living examples, to follow. Single or not, they will love you, for it.

Why Does It Matter? (The Transgender Issue)

Parenting

“It seems clear to me, and many others, that little girls and boys are adept at getting what they need. Food, warmth, shelter and above all, attention. All of this adds up to love”

Children are dependent on those who care for them. They surely soon come to understand this, to the degree, they will do all within their power to receive it. How much power children have is of course debatable, yet to me, a child’s power will always be the greatest of all. I say this, because a child is able to focus our love for them, in ways an adult couldn’t possibly.

We recognise their vulnerability through dependence and need. It’s our instinctive need to care for our young. We love how they’re an extension of us. When we love ourselves, this is extended, to the mini versions of us we’ve created. All of these things add up to the importance of us doing the very best by our young.

Doing our best includes gaining understandings of how our minds work. When we understand some very simple principles, we empower ourselves with more choice, and potentially increase our skills when it comes to raising happy, healthy, and well grounded children.

“When children have the influence of both a mother and a father they’re better able to find an identity that fits with the one they’ve been assigned at birth”

When a child is raised by just one parent there is an increased likelihood of them wanting to identify with the sex of that parent. The intelligent human brain is very adept and gaining what it needs for survival.

The child-brain picks up on the unconscious signals from its carers. If the message and signals are construed as: mummy wants a little girl, for example, the child will seek to be the object of its mothers desire, regardless of what sex it was assigned at birth. Remember, all that matters to the child, is survival. Survival that’s dependent on the love, care and attention it receives, from carers. The more attention the better.

If you watch this short clip, relating to the transgender issue, take a moment to ponder on the dynamic of mother and child within this single parent family.

What parents often forget are the unconscious signals they project onto the child. The child’s mind is an empty void open for whatever the adults around it are likely to project.

I often think of the time walking behind a young mother in the street some years ago, she violently chastised her five year old daughter for being “Such a little bitch.” At five, it’s impossible for a child to be a ‘little bitch.’ She may be inconsiderate to her siblings, until taught otherwise, she may be self-centered, until taught otherwise, she may be naughty, until taught otherwise, but a bitch? Hardly. Remember: all criticism is self criticism.

And so, as a parent or potential parent, we must understand, the greatest skill a child exhibits is getting its needs met. The closer it can get to a parent, the better. It will do this by any means. Good behaviour, bad behaviour, gentle, sweet, rowdy, violent, transgender, whatever. The behaviour is irrelevant, as long is it gets attention.

“In the mind of the child, attention equals love and it will fight to get what it needs. Even to the point of becoming a little girl, when born a boy, and definitely if this beats their siblings to it”

When the child exhibits confusion over its identity a parent must make it clear they are loved and cared for just as much for being a boy or girl respectively. The child’s mind, at such an early stage in its development, is ill equipped to make a decision over gender. That is not the job of the child; genes have already decided this. We must see the advantage in having this kind of decision taken out of our hands. Yes the brain may disagree, however, this is due to the things I’ve now explained. 

The question still remains: why does it matter? Why indeed. Well, as I see it, there’s plenty of confusion in the world already. For parents to add to this, with poor ability to set boundaries and failure to understand the projection of their own minds, is abuse through neglect. This is how I see it.

Setting boundaries and being parents, instead of ‘best mates’ to our children, is imperative. Without this, children grow into adults robbed of a future their genes have decided. If my little boy wanted to be a girl I’d simply explain like this:

“As you grow older your choices will increase, for now you are in my care, and this is how it needs to be. You are a boy. The decision was made before you were born, and I will do my best to be the man you’d like to be, once you’re grown. I love you for what you are”

It is a parents responsibility to recognise their duty to our children. The child is not the sex parents want it to be, (consciously or unconsciously) or what sex the underdeveloped mind of the child wants to be. The child is what mother nature has decided, and to be fee from confusion, we must always encourage this. Simple.

An Extraordinary Presence

CommunicationI often drive down to the car park opposite the beach. It was here, whilst listening to the birdsong in my head, that I thought of you.

Watching the seabirds and surf I thought to myself: it’s true to say, if we’re in love or have ever loved, it never leaves us. It remains an extraordinary presence.

I thought about remembering being lonely. So lonely it ached. At the time, I didn’t even know, the ache I felt, was loneliness. Now, all I need do, is think of you. How you’ve found a way into my mind and settled there, as that constant presence, is what‘s so extraordinary. How did you do that? You did it because you knew I needed to be saved.

∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞

On reading this you might think these are the words of someone who’s found God. They are not. They are the words of someone who has found their self. This wasn’t possible alone though. He needed assistance.

Because of this, it forms in my mind, that true love, is actually a skill. To lift someone; to pull them up to a higher place, regardless of where you are, is a profound skill. The skill of love. Some might say that this is a natural aspect of human nature and cannot be taught. To this I say: “I can teach you.”

How could I possibly claim to be a teacher of love? I claim this because the ability to teach love, without actually knowing it’s so, is something we’re all capable of. All we need is the desire to empower another human being.

“If you have no wish to empower others, you’re missing out, and will potentially never discover true love within yourself”

Of course how we empower – by what we believe empowerment is – defines the purity of our love. For a rich man to give you money, for example, is no form of empowerment. Even when we’re not particularly wealthy, just giving money, can never be empowerment. If we do this it must be accompanied by the skills required to use that money wisely. Without that, what we achieve is the entrapment of dependency: the opposite of empowerment.

When we think of dependency, it’s possible to understand the power of Christianity. Many are dependent on this version and presence of love. Christians supposedly love Christ, however – and even though they may feel the presence of His love – how they love him back is flawed. How do they empower a dead man?

“The only way to empower a dead man is to respect the memory of His presence. Christians supposedly do this through living by His example. It’s my opinion, as long as there are children suffering in this world, all Christians are being hypocritical”

You might now ask: How can we ever possibly eradicate all the suffering of children? My response is to say, we can’t. However the ability to empower – to love – starts, when, at the very least, we open our eyes to the hypocrisy of religion. For religious leaders, to fail at recognising where our problems lie, is hypocrisy. They’re not doing their duty; their job, as they themselves, have prescribed it.

In addition, whilst any religious leader continues to live in luxury, they continue to fail at their faith. They fail at honouring the memory of their idol, whether that be their particular form of God, or indeed, Jesus.

It’s the same with all religions. The religion is there to serve the individual. If religion was the force for good it’s supposed to be, surely education ought to be the main driving. At one time it was. What was taught back then obviously reflected the times though. Surely, if religion wants to stay relevant, in the 21st century, it needs to get up to date with modern understandings of the human mind. They need to understand where modern man is stumbling. Instead, they continue to reflect this very stumbling, with their own poor communication skills.

“At its root, love depends on communication. If our communication skills are flawed, the message is confused”

It’s no good just saying: ‘I Love You.’ In order to communicate this fully, we must act on our feelings. Like the woman I overheard telling her child ‘I Love You’ and then backing this up by giving her son all of her attention. This happened in a cafe incidentally. The proprietors had the foresight to provide reading material for children. She read to her son, whilst also enjoying the environment, of the cafe.

Most others in the cafe enjoyed the children (calm and entertained) too. I particularly enjoyed witnessing her attentiveness. The empowerment of love, was not only in the words she used, it was also in the communication of her attention. In time when the adult is alone, without his mother, he will remember the attention she gave him, and this may well be enough to take his loneliness away.

How we love each other through empowerment is deeply rooted in how we were (or not as the case may be) empowered in childhood. When we think of religion and how Christianity in particular has created the presence of Jesus as a constant, it’s easy to see the attraction.

“What we must remember though, is the constant presence of love, is only there when we’ve been touched by it; when we understand it”

The child in the cafe was touched by the love of his mother through her giving him time and attention. Religion attempts to do this by teaching us what was shared thousands of years ago. Much of it irrelevant today. To be touched by the empowerment of love, we need to feel that it’s of value, now, today.

Many still need the anchor of their faith. The unfortunate reality of religion though, is many of the lessons are no longer relevant. Their anchor is a poor imitation of love. A true guiding presence is one that is relevant in today’s world.  

On this note, finding love within oneself, is about understanding the mind. It’s about understanding, that as we grow, their are aspects of the mind that never die. The may get quieter, even to the point of not being heard at all, yet they never fully go away. Adults that were lonely children, for example, will always remain lonely (no matter what) until they understand what it is they were lonely from: the self.

It may seem odd to say we can be lonely from ourselves and yet this is exactly the case. So many of the difficulties we experience are due to a lack of this self-awareness. We constantly look around for something that will fill this void. Be it other people, drink, drugs or anything that will sufficiently distract us from ourselves.

“Sitting in the quiet is likely to be the hardest thing for the lonely to endure”

A lonely person sitting in the quiet is likely to become increasingly uncomfortable. They begin to struggle with the feelings their mind creates, yearning for the love and attention missing from their lives; their childhoods. Anything to get away from those feelings.

Once we’re made fully aware, of what we are in fact committing to as parents, childhood suffering will diminish. I can’t see religion helping with this anytime soon, what I can see though, is an educational programme that gently teaches the skills of love through empowerment. This will only ever be achieved through clear and clean example from the living, never the dead.

We may feel the presence of love, from those we’ve loved and lost, but the dead can’t evolve any further than the point and time at which they died. Something the religious choose to overlook. Let’s open our eyes and evolve.

Understanding Love is Empowerment

Understanding Love

Additional tools to help navigate our way through life, love and relationships

“When we truly understand love – following its simple rules – we will live life well”

It’s interesting because we immediately think, following the rules of love, throughout our lives, is likely to be the easiest path. It is, however, there is one important proviso: We must all have a clean and clear understanding of what it is.

We watch the news and it becomes very easy for us to jump on the same bandwagon, as journalist, and start aggressively pointing the finger of blame. In the past I’ve done this myself. I’ve ranted and become angry and frustrated. It doesn’t change things when we react in this way though, in fact, it just makes matters worse. Far better to understand why – the things that are wrong in our societies are prevalent – and then educate people into understanding the dangers and repercussions of failing to love and protect our children.

“For better to educate people into understanding the hows and whys of their behaviour and then teaching them how things could be better thought out; thinking skills are needed”

Now, we could say this is a loving response to neglect and abuse, for example. Abuse happens, keeps happening, and this will remain the case, as long as people are ignorant to the truth of how and why. Raising awareness is the name of the game here. Doing this in a gentle and effective manner is where love comes into play. Never be mistaken, this doesn’t mean that love is the gentle sentimentality it’s often mistaken for, no, when we properly love, we empower. This has nothing to do with sentimentality.

We might think there’s no changing the unsavoury aspects to humanity. We might think this because the people within – these darker aspects – aren’t interested. We might be right. It may well be that some people are lost to us; that some minds are just too broken and the repression of ignorance too great. If this is the case, then we must focus on the young. It’s this next generation, through being enlightened to the mistakes of their parents (us), that will change the world for the better. We never enlighten when we blame. All we do is create resistance from the stubborn ego.

Understanding Love

“When we realise and accept the full repercussions of physical and emotional abuse we change”

When we see that much of this abuse is due to ignorance we change. Some parents may be surprised to learn, their responsibility to our children is far greater, than they first realised. Yes society as a whole has a responsibility to our children, yet when there exists such divide, in terms of parental awareness of this, we have a problem. Society must be there to support parents but not take on too many of their responsibilities.

Children need to experience clean and clear love from those they’ve bonded to. Due to our current belief in family, children bond to specific people, and not society as a whole until later. Children obviously need society but their need for parental love is greater. Governments must come to understand this if they’re to improve mental health and the issues of physical and emotional abuse. Whether parents like it or not, we must find a way to lift them, from ignorance.

Something clearly stated is: We love our children when we empower them. For example, even though we may fear the dentist, we love our children by taking them to see the health professionals government has provided. Government provides the service, we love and care for our children, when we educate ourselves about their importance. If we want our children to live better lives than ourselves, we must educate ourselves into what it is, that’s held us back in the past.

“It can never be the job of governments to love our children”

There are parents, who don’t actually care what quality of life our children are likely to have, once grown. There are those parents who have no care for understanding cause and effect. Some of these children are the ones who go on to propagate the darker aspects of society. They will always exist. If it should happen, that individuals are woken by some random event or understanding, it will have been love that did this.

The benefits to loving our children are often missed. Parents that don’t care sufficiently have yet to see the benefit to fully understanding love. We can know, those who’ve not been shown empowering love in their own childhood, will find it challenging to show this to their offspring. It’s a cycle that can only be broken through increased awareness. We must be aware: when we empower others we empower ourselves.

Only last night, I found myself pondering, once again, on how it is so many shy away from understanding themselves better. In some respects, this must come down to what kind of things are instilled into our minds, as interests, when young. Is inquisitiveness not something we’re all born with? Perhaps this is yet to be sufficiently encouraged and nurtured? Is it not natural for the human mind to be inquisitive? How is it we’re not encouraging an inquisitiveness into the workings of our own minds?

As example, many people simply jump into their cars, not giving a hoot about how it actually works. How does the car do what it does? On a personal level I find it bewildering that so many are simply not interested in this. In the same light, I find it bewildering that so many of us simply don’t care, about how our minds work. Is it this, or have we been scared off, by the intellectuals?

“Psychology has been labelled a science, as such, its been over-complicated by those who have something to prove”

Too many people seeking new and better understandings of a subject that’s already awash with theories. Here guys, I’ll tell you why there’s so much mental illness in the world: TOO MUCH FEAR AND IGNORANCE – NOT ENOUGH LOVE. When we confuse and over-complicate things, we’re only adding to the problem. It’s not helping. How would it be if you had nothing to prove? How would it be if you stopped needing to prove your intelligence by owning a subject that belongs to all? There need be no qualification in understanding the mind. It ought to be something all children have.

And so, love, is empowerment. We empower our children when we care enough to want them to have better lives than ourselves. We do this when we understand maturity and what it is to be grown. A mature love is when we take full responsibility for ourselves and our children. We may think, for example, that keeping a child quiet with a sugar-dummy is effective, however, the mature empowerment of love states: a child is kept happy and contented, not with sugar, but with our loving attention. If we can’t give this attention we must learn how. Simple. If this sounds like I’m pointing the finger of blame, you may want to read more. All the best, with love.

justice, forgiveness, information

The Only Form of Justice

Justice

“Over time many of us come to the opinion that there is no such thing as justice. We’re reminded over and over again, not only about the injustice within our legal systems, but also the injustice within the wider scheme of things, world over.”

I’m going to make some subtle changes to this opinion though, and I can tell you, this is no easy thing to do. You might immediately think: oh yeah, here we go, he’s going to talk the usual rubbish, about forgiveness and self-love, being the only form of justice – and if I was, you’d be right to call me out on it.

For starters we can know that forgiveness is fundamentally flawed. Yep, that’s right, and I say this because forgiveness is a little like saying “I’m superior.” It’s saying: “as I’m superior, I’m sufficiently qualified to judge you, as being less of a person than I.” As we’re all equal, we can’t do that, and get away with it. Forgiveness is also another example of how we take on the responsibilities of others. I forgive you is also saying: “I’m responsible.”

For example, you could say that being raped, as a result of accepting drink, and being impressed by smooth talk and the sight of money, makes you partly responsible. What about the drugs put in the drink, that caused you to become intoxicated, in a way you didn’t expect? Does forgiving the rapist who drugged you, mean you accept the rape, as being partly your fault? If you knew you were being drugged, then yes, you would have been complicit. If not, forgiving such an act, is taking responsibility where none is due.

What about the parents who forgive the murderers of our children? Does this offer them closure and some kind of justice? When it comes to our legal systems, does seeing the murderer or the rapist punished, really give us a sense of justice? I struggle to see how any of it does. Forgiveness, punishment, or even the ability to love ourselves sufficiently, really doesn’t cut it for me.

As an extreme, further example, I also struggle to see how the death penalty can give us any kind of justice or closure, even if we’re the one who pulls the switch, or trigger. So no, when we look at things in this way, there is no such thing as justice.

“To believe suffering, is a form of justice, is to believe in guilt, and when we believe in this, we all suffer.”

To create a sense of justice the world teaches us we must have suffering. We suffer, as a result of being a victim, and so our form of justice, is to re-inflict this suffering onto the perpetrator. We must show them the error of their ways. We want revenge. Even when the victim of a murder, has no relatives or friends, society, as a whole, needs revenge. We believe we need to right this wrong because the whole of society is damaged by such a crime.

“As long as we stay angry, about being a victim, we suffer and need our assailants to suffer also.”

Justice

Consider the adult who was sexually abused as a girl. Now consider how it is for this person who then continues to remain guilty and angry – at the unconscious level – and projects this guilt and anger onto most, if not all the men, she meets. Does she suffer all her life in this way? Does she ever truly find a good, honest and loving man? Not if she remains angry and guilty she doesn’t. What if society remains angry and guilty? Do we all suffer? Are we all finding less from life, whilst we continue to believe justice, is to inflict suffering?

And what about the issue of compensation? Will money bring our loved ones back? All the money in the world will never truly remove the indignity of being raped. It will never remove the invasive nature of rape or the memory of the powerlessness it created. Not in a million years will it.

Some believe religion has the answers to this. Some believe the teachings of the bible remain relevant in this respect. If so, let’s not forget, there are people in parts of the world – entrapped by religious beliefs and its barbarism – still stoning each other. And not for rape or murder either, but for the crime of falling in love with someone their peer group disapproved of. And so, as we’ve just seen, religion, forgiveness – and the analogy of an eye for an eye etc. – remain the barbaric nonsense they’ve always been.

So what is the answer? What is the only form of justice?

The only form of justice is information.

“When we truly understand why we’ve been harmed – why that child was murdered – will we find justice and closure.”

You might find this answer to simplistic. This will be because your mind is fighting against the worlds belief relating to suffering. The world believes: we suffer, so others must suffer, in return. All this does is perpetuate the anger and everything that comes with it. When we understand: they suffered, which is why we suffer, will we instigate change. Damaged people inflict damage in return. Our form of justice only perpetuates the problem.

Justice
Think of all this energy we could put to better use

“When we improve ourselves, from the lessons perpetrators of crime have taught us, all the harm is undone. This is justice.”

Being informed is the only resolution. When we love our children sufficiently, so that none are ever placed in harm’s way, we find all the justice we will ever need. Is this an impossible task? Not when parents are informed it isn’t.

Children running free, Beauty of Naivety

Beautiful Naivety

Children running free, Beauty of
The Beauty of Innocence and Naivety

I’ve worked alongside a person, who has such deep and limiting insecurity within herself, it’s left me feeling bewildered. I’ve asked myself: how can this person think like this? How can she have such a shocking disregard of her own achievements? How can she be so insecure? and how is it she feels threatened by those of no comparison?

“The answer to these questions doesn’t lie quite as deeply as we might first imagine.”

If we’re not given sufficient reason to value ourselves when young, we will potentially always struggle to do so. An adult, who has faced neglect and/or physical abuse in childhood, will find it a persistent struggle to achieve higher levels of self-esteem.

It doesn’t matter what achievements they may have made in their life, they will never regard them as such, when inside, there lurks this lack of security and self-belief. A gremlin of monstrous proportions.

It’s often difficult when observing how the neglected are constantly fighting for their lives. Not only fighting to keep their heads above water, but also to wrestle down their own self-destructive, inner-demons. So damaged are they, that life has become an intolerable day to day struggle. Lonely people wondering why, this stinking mess of a life, has turned into such a goddamn hell.

“There is this desire to gently place my hands on her shoulders and tell her softly why she hates him so.”

I see her with these daily struggles. It would be so much easier for her if she understood the principles of projection: how we project our inner demons onto others. We don’t really know, that person sitting opposite us on the bus, but we hate him so.

“We hate him because he represents the coward who took our power and abused us back then.”

Of course simply projecting all this anger and hatred onto others, children included (even our own) does nothing but keep us angry, and hateful. To top it all, these feelings, also keep us confused.

Projecting our inner fears never fixes the problem. Not until we realise how our power was taken away from us, at a time when we we’re powerless to defend ourselves, do we start to change. Now we have a measure of power, we want to strike out, no matter our chosen victim. Stop wasting your energy.

Through these projections, our unconscious mind is looking to help us resolve conflict. When we get this, freedom from our demons, beckons. Do not blame the man on the bus, do not blame yourself, accept the truth and move on.

Small dependent children have the power of love on their side, and yet sometimes this love, doesn’t exist, within the adults around them.

“In this instance, even the power of love is shrouded in the darkness of a cowardly, abusive adult.”

The harmed, when touched by the love of an understanding person, in their adult lives, often don’t know how to react, or what to do with their conflicting feelings. They may even reject this kind of love as fear and confusion grips their soul.

In order to survive, children must love those they’re dependent on, and it’s so often this love, borne of their naivety, that becomes an additional weakness. As adults, believing we may be abused through our love once again, we shut down and reject the good from our lives. 

“When this love and dependence is used and abused by loveless adults, the gates of hell are opened.”

Even though the woman I’ve worked alongside has achieved greatness, even beyond what she can presently understand, I’ve heard her express how death would come as relief. If she could spend just ten minutes in the mind of a loved, cherished and protected child, she would clearly see the almighty struggle her life has been. It may fill her with rage, at the injustice and inequality of it all, and yet, it may also help her realise, what an amazing and beautiful survivor, she is.

“Perhaps then she would cease this journey of self-destruction.”

Children, who are understood for their beautiful-disability of naivety, and their beautiful-vulnerability through dependence, are fortunate. In this way and through these understandings, they’re set free on a course through life, that is sure and true. Fortunate indeed.

When we understand children for their capacity to love, we are all this fortunate, because we set ourselves free too. If only we could cherish more of our children in this way. If only.

Freedom Costs Nothing

Many of us believe that if we just had a little more money we’d be freer. We think that if we only had enough money to set up that business, or establish some kind of higher status in the world, all would be well. The truth is, freedom, has nothing to do with these things.

Clarity of mind:

“This can be achieved through a meditative state. During this state, we must look to drop everything from our minds, that we believe matters. When we’re able to do this, we clearly understand: freedom occurs when we shed the layers of confusion brought about through conflicting beliefs.”

freedom
Freedom Costs Nothing

“The common man is indoctrinated into his expectations of life.”

A very broad and general system of beliefs we’re given, comes as a consequence of our environment, during childhood. For example, when young, what made our parents happy? This is easy to answer, because most times all we need do, is ask ourselves what makes us happy. Happiness, and most importantly what makes us happy, is a learned behaviour.

“By questioning our ‘learned’ behaviour we escape many of the shackles previous generations have taught us. Paradoxically, many of the means we use to seek happiness, actually enslave us.”

It goes without saying, happiness, well-being and safety, are important to us all. How we find these things varies from individual to individual. One individual might feel free, well, happy and safe when he’s in the local betting shop, placing a months wages on a horse, whereas another, may feel free and safe sitting in his favourite chair, with his family around him, watching a good movie after a hard days work.

“Yet another person, who has questioned the types of systems we’ve developed to make us happy, may feel all these things when sitting alone on a beach.”

True happiness is achieved when we free ourselves from the illusions created through learned behaviour. When we take the time to really think about it, happiness is a state of mind, effortlessly achieved, when we have balance. A Buddhist monk for example, may well tell you: happiness is achieved through realising the now moment. How easy would life be, if we we’re able to achieve happiness (a state of contentment) through simply being aware, of our breathing! In those moments, would we be enslaved by all the ‘trappings’ of life we’re taught to believe we need, in order to be happy?

“It may seem difficult to believe and accept, the most effective route to the true happiness freedom brings, will include: Creativity, Change, Challenge and Variety. All of which, can cost us, nothing.”

It’s worth considering a different route, to what you believe may help you feel happier, before seeking investment in that business. It’s only ever the ego (the best creator of illusions there ever was) that seeks a higher status in life, and is often driven by fear. Do we fear not seeming good enough? Our fears enslave us.

In addition to all this, raised self-esteem, is something we attach to happiness. The assumption is: low self-esteem equals unhappy. It’s certainly the case, if we’ve found activities – from learning martial arts to having sex – help with building our self-esteem, we feel happier when doing them. However when this is the case, we’re also working to the same mistaken principle: happiness comes from outside of us. This belief is our weakness.

Freedom
Small Diamonds Are Used To Change Big Things

We raise our self-esteem from the inside out. For example, if a child is small and weaker than his classmates, the solution will often be seen as something external. With this in mind, is learning martial arts the answer? High self-esteem will only be achieved during the hand chopping, board breaking classes. He’ll still potentially grow up to have low self-esteem in many other aspects of his life. If he never questions the belief: small and weak, he’ll remain this way on the inside forever.

“Now he has his ‘black belt’ what if he were drawn to a violent lifestyle or adopted a confrontational approach to others?”

Would this be a useful way to get through life? Far better to change how he feels about himself on the inside. We do this through helping him deal with his emotions in a gentle way, and then question his beliefs about size: small is efficient, small diamonds are used to change big things, and so on.

The paradox is this: The greater the happiness – found through our archaic beliefs – the more enslaved we become.

Happiness is found through the things that help us feel less afraid; when we can fight we’re less fearful; when we own we’re less fearful. The bigger the car, or the house or whatever – now we have the black belt – the safer we feel; all paradoxical. We really do live in a world that’s a mirror reflection of the true one. When we step out of this mirror – through shedding the confused conditioning of our beliefs – we’re able to see the ridiculous nature of the world we’ve created. Only then, will we find the freedom, that costs nothing.

Beautiful Partnerships Create Beautiful Families

IMG_7738 (1)

“It’s easy to see the relationship between the health of a parent’s partnership and the health of their families.”

When we consider the joy and love happy families create, it becomes doubly important, for us to be fully equipped before making that step, toward having a family of our own.

How many of us, on first setting out to meet and date members of the opposite sex, actually look that far into the future? How many of consider how healthy we could make our relationship in order for it to stand the tests of time? How many of consider if we could improve our understandings of relationships before starting a family; before bringing new life into the world?

My happiness is important to me. So much so, that my approach to how I find happiness has, at times, bordered on clinical. This is due to my experience and understandings of how important it is to ponder and plan out our daily lives. In terms of what I do, how I interact with people, and how I treat my mind, a constant state of awareness of these things, is important.

I suppose the main driving behind this, is my past; yes a negative past can drive a positive future, yet only through awareness and effort. If we have a limited, average awareness, we’re likely to perpetuate a negative past or slide into negative patterns of thought and behaviour. As an individual, raised by adult children with a dysfunctional relationship, I’m driven by a need to help others free their children of the distress this creates.

“Life can be full of sadness and difficulties, easily brought on by ourselves, simply through a lack of self-awareness. Raising our awareness is achieved through knowledge and greater understandings of our minds and how they work.”

If you believe your past has been happy, and your parents successful in their raising of you, you will of course be correct. Even though this may well be the case, we can only ever improve upon a job, you may consider well done, in order to increase the security, love and happiness we experience, through our future families.

beautiful families
Beautiful Partnerships Create Beautiful Families

The health of our children is directly affected by the health of the relationships they experience around them. Your children, or future children, will watch you and your relationships very closely. They’re hungry for information on how to behave in the company of others. As a result, your behaviour, becomes theirs.

Single mothers, for example, often come from families where being raised by one parent was the norm, or where their parents relationship was so dysfunctional, it created high degrees of distress and sadness. It’s fairly obvious to state, most single mothers would rather not be, and yet they often fail to understand how their minds have fulfilled the unconscious, negative desire, to be single. It may sound very strange to suggest that being single – in difficulty and unhappy – has actually been created by design; odd but true.

“Through the recognition of how our minds equally and unquestioningly fulfill, that which is both useful and positive and that which is negative and destructive, we break free from the bonds of our unconscious programming.”

If we value our happiness, as much as we sensibly need to, educating ourself through gaining an adult perspective on planning and awareness, will reward us with a brighter future, and the improved likelihood, of healthy happy children.

Begin thinking now about how important you believe your future happiness to be and take a look at Partnership Workshops for 2018: inexpensive weekend workshops for both singletons and those in relationships.

In Response

Believe in your higher-self
Believe in your higher-self

Higher-self. In Response to:

https://thinkingclearly.co/2017/10/30/kids-a-moral-dilemma/

All very interesting. I personally feel Benatar is potentially a little ‘too’ emotionally involved with his essay – you really wouldn’t want to read it when feeling a little down now, would you?

He is of course talking “round-shouldered and unbacked” (to quote my late ex-father in law – a man who believed he had all the answers by spending his entire life either working or getting pissed – a common solution, yes?).

So come on, we all know life is full of suffering and pain, however, that, is actually the whole point. Without all the pain and suffering there’d be no driving for us to evolve into the AI’s that will eventually rule the galaxy! Ha ha!

When it comes to procreation, and the anti-natalism view point, we must face it, most babies are made by mistake; we humans just like sex so much; it is one of the things that offsets some of the horrors in the world; now there’s a paradox!

I think Mondays should be Science Fiction day – spread a little happiness, oh, and let’s not forget the brilliance of us humans, we did invent all the games, the best being the game of LOVE (a useful tool to offset all the shit in life). An interesting half hour Thank You א

The Currency of Love

“Of late, once again, I find myself stuck with negative feelings relating to my fellow man. At times it seems so hard to be positive and understanding of others.”

It’s when I feel this way that I know there needs to be some kind of internal change. My cynicism and revulsion perhaps has value in terms of me distancing myself from certain people, the only problem being, I tend to distance myself from everyone.

It’s the horrible generalisation – that all humans are egotistical takers – that’s damaging. Perhaps it’s when we have low self-esteem, and potentially slight depression, that we have such negative opinions of others, perhaps, in fact, we have a downer on ourselves.

Along with negative opinions we must be cautious of the current culture of over-analysing ourselves and others. We seem to be over thinking and over questioning our behaviours. From gender neutral child-rearing (the abuse of experimenting with another person’s life) to the size of our carbon footprint, we all seem to be getting a little bogged down with the detail.

“They say the devil is in the detail. Is it really? Confusion, over-thinking and over-analysis are only adding to our current distress.”

There can be no harm in just taking a step back and taking the time to understand the damage inflicted when our ego’s are out of control. The human will and the human ego are the reasons for so much beauty and also so much ugliness in the world. All we need do, is understand the simple roots, to so many of our problems, and we take out the confusion.

For example, there can be no harm in extracting good, tried and tested methods of child-rearing. Believe it or not mothers and fathers of the past did do some things right. Family units, where children felt secure, due to strong and powerful structure and effective boundaries, are not something we should question as being restrictive.

Building beautiful families (and indeed relationships – the root of a strong family) does in fact take a lot of effort. Is it the use of this effort and energy that so many of us are potentially looking to avoid? If it is, and we don’t want to devote ourselves to investing the necessary energy into building strong families, perhaps we should consider not having them at all.

“All we need is the ability to make this kind of decision by escaping our instinctive programming. There are other things we can do.”

Those of us who come from strong loving families tend to create the same in return. Those who come from strong loving families see the value in them. If we don’t know the value of creating strong relationships and families, we must either learn this, so as to give our children a powerful head-start in life, or simply give up on the idea.

Just never assume you’ll create a loving family if you’ve never experienced one. So if you go it alone, no harm done, enjoy your life and all that. You have permission to be free for God’s sake!

“Whether we like it or not, human children, with their developing ego and willpower, do need the kind of boundaries and structure we might find difficult to enforce.”

As parents we might find enforcing rules difficult through fear of falling out of our children’s favour. It’s a fallacy to think our children need to be our friends though. Enforcing structure and boundaries may at times feel uncomfortable, yet be rest assured, our children will feel more secure and loved as the result. In the long-term, we will reap the rewards – in society as a whole – when we once again embrace and understand the need for structure and boundaries when raising our children.

On recently reading the statistics, for the amount of young children referred to doctors for gender related issues, a little tremor of fear spread through my body: literally the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. Children’s minds are simply not developed enough to be left to themselves to decide what sex they want to be. Nature is easily relied upon when we are unsure as parents: if your child has a penis it’s a boy, and if the alternative of a vagina, it’s a girl. Simple. We socialise our children as boys and girls to create a type of balanced structure within society.

“When we project our dislike, or biased opinions and beliefs of what it is to be a man or a woman, we mold our children into being what they become: a reflection of those same beliefs and biased opinions no matter what genitals they’re born with.”

Uncertainty and confusion comes with growing up, it’s up to us, as parents, to help our children remove confusion and uncertainty – and not through a surgeon’s knife and injected hormones – but through love of ourselves and the opposite sex. Things are becoming so horribly complicated.

This brings me onto the recent stories surrounding sexual harassment. If, as a woman, you were raised with the belief and expectation that you’re simply an object of man’s desire, and its then up to you to manipulate and use this desire, you are then complicit in any kind of abuse. If you’re frightened of not getting that next promotion or acting role (same distinction) and so sleep with the director through this fear, you are then complicit.

“On the other hand, if your mother taught you that you’re a free individual, who will naturally be desired by men – and yet gave you the knowledge of how to use this in a constructive, not submissive or negative way – then you’re simply playing the game of life.”

When playing the game, to the extent you open your legs, more fool you. A good slap to the face of any potential abuser will do more to gain respect, all you need, in this instance, is less fear and a little more courage. Good, loving and strong mothers, instill this into the minds of our daughters.

The currency of love is the most valuable of all. This currency equips our children with the tools that enable them to push aside their ego and allow their will to prevail. In other words, the next acting role or job, is something to be gained due to high self-esteem and a powerful will, awarded through love in childhood. Our ego can be blind to the damage we can cause ourselves through striving for greatness.

“We love our children through setting strong boundaries and effective structure so they may flourish in their adult lives.”

Yes add colour to their lives by allowing them to be children, yet the black and white, of yes or no, rather than maybe, is equally as important. The currency of love has far greater value than we realise, all we need do, is understand how to implement it.

So much rebellion, so many fighting what they see as conformity. Love can never be allowing our children to run riot. Love can never be allowing our children to try and raise themselves. Children must have the security of structure and boundaries so they may grow into adults that contribute to a society that considers the needs of all. Remaining as rebellious children and then having children of our own is perpetuating confusion and disorder.

Front cover

Some might say that none of this matters. They may well be right and yet those of us who remember (instead of choosing to forget) the pain and fear, that comes with insecurity, loneliness and the disorder broken families create, think that it does matter. It matters a lot. It matters to our children. A person is free to choose who they are and what they want in life provided they are free of confusion. We constantly witness the troubled lives of adults with childhoods devoid of structure, love, boundaries and the effective guidance from powerful role models. It starts with you.

Hysteria

The Inner Sadness of Hysteria (blade runners and humanity killers)

“Okay so we can understand these actors aren’t able to tell us much about their new film, however, to turn this interview into such a farce is beyond a joke. I personally find it’s hysteria quite hard to watch.”

I wonder if ‘Our Ford’ (see Huxley’s Brave New World) realises the position of power he’s in. The vulnerable and the young are very impressionable and very open to suggestion, so to see their ‘hero’ drinking whiskey, exhibiting hysteria can never be a good thing. Whether we like it or not, alcohol, is one of the biggest problems humanity faces at this time.

It’s not until people such as Ford and Gosling take proper responsibility and show the world the damage of drink (it’s very doubtful they actually drink themselves, you’ll notice in the clip it’s pretence) will we free ourselves of this scourge. You might say: “Oh come on, there’s nothing wrong with a drink now and again” and I would agree. Not everyone has a problem with drink, I’m talking about the young, and the vulnerable.

When we think of it, many industries take advantage of our weaknesses; they actively exploit our weaknesses and make millions, if not billions, at our expense. Take chocolate as further example, I find the stuff they put in this product horribly addictive, and I know that if I eat too much of it, I’ll get fat. Once the weight is on I then find the vigorous exercise, I believe to be lengthening my life, a gruelling experience. It would seem, if self-discipline isn’t taught by those raising us, life will prove to be one uncomfortable challenge after another.

“Coming back to the clip, we must ask: why did the people in this interview lapse into hysteria. There must be some level of fear, and indeed some level of sadness that hysteria is combating; avoidance and distraction from something else perhaps.”

This leads me on to the actual film Blade Runner, not the new one, but the original. In this work (Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep) Philip K. Dick is exploring (as Ford rightfully points out) the human spirit. He’s asking: is it possible for a ‘replicant’ to be equal or superior to a human? He’s asking: do any of us know if we’re replicants or not? He’s also pointing out the level of fear involved with the idea of AI’s. In his book there are Blade Runners, whose job it is to seek out ‘wayward’ replicants, and ‘retire’ them. The fact they have an inbuilt cut off point, or life span, does make the whole Blade Runner thing a bit obsolete, however, take that out, and we have no book or subsequent film.

As touched on by Philip K. Dick, in order for any of us to feel any kind of identity, we must have memories. From these memories we form beliefs, and it’s these beliefs, that make us what we are. In addition to beliefs, we must be taught the whys and wherefores of life: The dangers in life, the necessities of self-discipline, the importance of empathy etc, etc, etc. Without these lessons we become vulnerable and potentially self-destructive, when we think of it, even a self-aware AI, will need identity and understandings of the dangers of excess. If, for example, a robot of the future were given some kind of pleasure reward, when charging itself sitting in the sun, without the addition of the necessary programming of self-discipline, would it ever get up and do anything?

“In the original Blade Runner film we’re led to believe that Dr Eldon Tyrell’s replicants are “more human than human.” I see no reason why we shouldn’t look to be this ourselves.”

Pris
Pris

In order to gain this we must be prepared to examine the aspects of human nature that we’d rather not. Why do Ford and Gosling feel the need to overpower their interviewer Alison Hammond in such a way? Do they fear her? Do they need to belittle her to seem powerful? Perhaps, and on a more positive note, they’re simply empathising with her fear and trying to help alleviate it.

In terms of exploitation, do Ford and Gosling just want us to watch their film, without telling us anything meaningful about it? Is it the case that the new film simply has nothing to add to the old one? In which case, exploitation of the dead, goes on. Just as poor parenting and the drinks industry are allowed to continue deadening the human spirit.

Promiscuity

Promiscuity

“And so the bank of England needs to ‘take its foot of the accelerator’ and, in the not too distant future, raise interest rates. Phrases like ‘reckless household spending’ are current, and once again, we don’t wonder why. The controllers just increase interest rates to try and stem the epidemic.”

We never question whether or not our happiness is something well rooted or just superficial. We say things like: ‘Oh yes, even though the Greeks are a poorer nation than us, they live longer; must be something to do with their diet.’ Blind fools we are.

If we take the time to read books such as: Huxley’s Brave New world, or  Orwell’s Animal Farm, or Golding’s Lord of the Flies, we clearly see the warnings no one has bothered to take heed of. Do we think these authors wrote what they did simply to amuse themselves and make some money? Do we think the great philosophers of our past said what they did simply because they had nothing better to do?

To think of a romantic past for a moment, it used to be the case, that if you wanted a girl, you’d take her out on a date; you’d play the beautiful (if frustrating) dating game. Now all you need do is buy her a few drinks and once you’re both pissed enough sex is guaranteed. Before marriage, it’s not unusual for a girl to have had sex with five or even ten men. It is possible this is a naive estimate. 

Furthermore the TV projects the existence of such things as ‘Angry Sex’ and the papers devote double page spreads as to whether this is healthy or not. What can anger possibly have to do with sex? How could you ever want sex when angry? Perhaps a sadist could? I’m confused by this, have we all become sadists?

“We know sex has very little to do with love, yet, it is the most intimate sharing of the only thing we own. Surely time spent considering with whom, when and how this is done, is important?”

I once knew a man who considered himself a romantic. He met a beautiful girl, who seemed confident and kind natured. He dated her; wooed her and fell in love. Some months later, before they had sex, she demonstrated the courage (perhaps out of necessity) to tell him all about her previous, promiscuous nature, and the resultant chlamydia. He was devastated. The word chlamydia is derived from the Greek khlamus, khlamud- ‘cloak.’

“Confident girls with high self-esteem and high regard of themselves are rarely promiscuous. Promiscuity is the result of childhood abuse or using sex to validate oneself. The advice is: if you want to break from the past and find a good man, seek a healthy resolution to your abuse, build your self-esteem and never, never fuck about.”

Are ‘old fashioned values’ of any benefit? It’s certain some will never find out.

The social order is disorder. We’re kept guilty and confused only to be calmed with drugs (yes alcohol is a drug and because we’re guilty and conditioned to drink we’re likely saying at this moment: ‘yeah fuck it, let’s get wankered!’).

There’s nothing wrong with glass of wine to accompany a meal, however, only those conditioned with the belief: wine is something to be savoured and not quaffed, are able to drink sensibly. What with wine, and drink generally, being considered an ‘acquired taste,’ we can know that to the ‘untrained’ palate, it will always taste horrible. First impressions and all that. Stick with something long enough and you’ll get used to it regardless of whether it’s love or just bad habit.

“When it comes to hope, well, we can hope to learn something from the Greeks and their love of: family, food, socialising, each other and life in general, and yet it would seem that this hope, is only meant for the few, not the many.”

Think of this story. Whilst travelling from Athens to London one of the Greek passengers (one of a group) fell ill. Such a fuss was made over the unfortunate lady that a doctor was found, oxygen administered, water dribbled, seats given up, the potential of a flight diverted, and it seemed all pandemonium was let loose. In the end she was fine, and to the tutting English people – who failed to understand – thankfully their flight wasn’t diverted.    

It’s a certainty that what comes with age, if we’re lucky, is a little more wisdom. And the irony of the common retrospection of: ‘Oh, if only I’d known then, what I know now.’ How sad that we seem so insistent on maintaining our ignorance, by ignoring the wisdom of our elders. Time for change? I doubt it.

Cause and Effect (The Thinking Revolution)

Think
Think: Cause and Effect

It does seem a little strange, that my awareness at the moment, is drawn to people’s inability to consider cause and effect. The ability, to think before actions or words, by considering cause and effect, seems to be lacking.

“From youngsters experimenting with recreational drugs, to adults conversing with each other. Considered thought, in respect of cause and effect, would potentially either save a life, or a relationship, respectively.”

We might be tempted to say, considered thought, before taking an unknown drug at a festival for example, is to suggest we must be frightened of the potential effects. To this, I would say, yes, there are times when a little fear is of value. There are many people who would still be alive today, if a little fear over drugs, had been properly instilled into their minds when young.

On a personal level, if my authoritarian biological father, hadn’t instilled so much fear within me as a child, my ‘experimentation’ with recreational drugs, may well have put me in the graveyard with so many others. Never moving beyond mild drugs, because I was too frightened of the potential effects, was the result of a complex created by my father’s fear. Having said this though, authoritarian (fear) will never be the best method of helping our children live longer lives. We mustn’t fear for their lives as this can stifle them; authoritarian, can be extremely limiting.

And so cause-and-effect-thinking doesn’t always have to involve fear. The consideration: ‘if I do this I might fall and hurt myself’ is of course driven by the fear of imagined pain. However ‘if I do this I might experience something wonderful’ is how we overcome the fear. In this respect, it’s all about considering percentages and chance. In other words ‘If I do this what are the chances of success?’ If the chances of falling ill and dying from taking a recreational drug are high – because it’s unknown or from an uncertain source – then we must reject the potential of a pleasant experience.

When it really comes down to it, it’s all about thinking skills. Thinking skills that we must instill into the minds of our children. From the above examples, we can clearly see, it’s a fine line between the fear of a negative outcome, and the potential of there being a high-chance of a pleasant, life enhancing one.

Teach children how to think, not, what to think.

Are you ready for a life enhancing experience?

The Healthcare Revolution / An Inexcusable Abuse of Power

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This boat could be sinking but it’s not too late

“Looks like we’re sorted then. Twenty one thousand new mental healthcare workers by 2021, catering for an additional one million people per year. Marvellous.”

Certain people feel there’s been years of neglect, within this sector of the NHS, and so to some extent, government are only now just starting to play catch up. Also the fact that doctors wrote up 64.7 million prescriptions for antidepressants in 2016, double the amount a decade ago, has raised some extra concerns about healthcare.

So all’s sorted then, or is it? It strikes us, here at Partnership Workshops, as a little odd, that someone in government hasn’t yet sat up and thought: hold on a sec, if we’re handing out double the amount of antidepressants, than we were ten years ago, isn’t there something fundamentally wrong within society, we’re not seeing? Is something perhaps breaking down, or already broken, that we need to address?

Of course, anyone who does sit back and look at the figures, would quickly realise that there is something seriously wrong. It’s blatantly obvious there’s something up, and so why aren’t we addressing the real problem? Perhaps government aren’t addressing it. The current situation, of needing to employ 21,000 more healthcare workers and investing billions of pounds in the process, is actually easier and more agreeable to the general public.

If government is only fulfilling, what they feel is most agreeable to the general public, then they’re really not having to do much at all to keep the masses happy. And while they’re just doing what pleases us they are of course staying in power.

“Government are acting like irresponsible parents giving us exactly what we want: a painless solution.”

The real solution would not be popular and is, to some extent, unworkable. The real solution is to not simply give everyone what they want, but to help them understand the importance of personal responsibility. For example, there is an abuse of power, men and women exhibit every single day in this country, and it’s seen as acceptable and unchangeable. This abuse of power is seen as a fundamental human right; the right to create new life. It would seem no one is looking to protect the rights of the child, it would seem children, have no rights whatsoever.

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It’s irrelevant that this new life isn’t actually asking to be born. It’s irrelevant we have children raising children and it’s irrelevant lonely women are having children in an attempt to feel less so: “when I have my daughter/son I’ll at least have a friend in the world; something I can call my own.” This is abuse of power. Children are not the friends of adults, if they are, they’re being abused. When we’re growing we need skilled parents who’re able to set effective boundaries and act as strong role models, and most importantly, we need friends of our own age.

“The happy pill generation are a little confused as to why they feel so bad. Like a rudderless boat floating aimlessly in a sea of shit.”

Adolescents trapped into a life of paying off debt with the light at the end of the tunnel forever moving beyond their reach. All of us trapped into the drudgery of doing the same thing, day in day out, never seeing and end to the enforced repetition of the daily grind. It’s seems that so many of us are stuck in this same rudderless boat. We need drugs just to get by, and this, ladies and gentlemen, is only adding unseen depths to the sea of shit we’re already floating in.

Hey ho, so glad to have cleared that up for you today. Now though we must share the really bad news: this mechanism, the NHS seems unable to recognise as destructive, can only get worse. This illusion, that we can buy into love through pills and healthcare workers, is only ever going to line the pockets of public sector workers and drug manufacturers.

This situation can only ever get worse. Where in fact do the government think this is all going to lead? Or are they not thinking? Perhaps they’re simply not looking any further forward than the next election. One thing’s for sure, the more dependent we all become on pills and surrogate parents (healthcare workers) the weaker and more confused we all become.

“Unless we wake up, the social divide will open up into a vast cavern. One half of the population, dependent pill poppers, and the other half feeding off them like parasites.”

What are we doing about the 45% of unplanned pregnancies (ignorance and more abuse of power) here in the UK? Surely this is an issue to be addressed in schools. What about our failing, to properly realise the full responsibilities of parenting before having children. Why don’t we deal with this? What about the failing of parents to properly love our children. Why are we not looking at this?

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Is it not an inexcusable abuse of power to be having children without first knowing how best to raise them? A lot of mental illness is as a consequence of children entering adulthood without being properly prepared. If there’s no one showing us how will we ever know?

It’s about time government stopped excusing us of our responsibilities. It’s about time we recognised, that to not take responsibility, is an abuse of our power. It’s about time, we understood how to award our children, greater choices in life.

parenting

Good Parenting

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Examining the Evidence

I read some figures recently, which suggested that 50% of how a person turns out as an adult, is genetic (nature), and the other 50% interacting with others (nurture), but the latter 50% was almost entirely due, to out of the home influences. In other words, how we turn out, has very little to do with how we’re parented. The person, we can attribute this astonishing claim to, is a Scientist named Steven Pinker. At this point I feel it’s worth telling you, during my time working as an Analyst, I’ve never found this to be the case, in fact, quite the opposite.

Many of us are aware of the principle, that the observer influences the outcome of whatever they’re observing – in my world we can most certainly attribute this to the filters of beliefs. For example, if you believe bears are beautiful, you may have a room full of teddy bears, yet if you’ve ever been attacked by one, and as such hold negative beliefs, (bears are men killers) you’ll potentially see teddy bears as a contradiction. As are many things in life, Steven Pinker, included.

Now, we must also be cautious in terms of my experiences: have the issues surrounding my own upbringing affected: A, the Analysis of my clients and: B, the type of clients I’ve attracted into my consulting room.

When we look at A, it is entirely possible that my beliefs and expectations have influenced the analysis of my clients, however, as an analyst with an awareness of this danger – trained in very specific techniques that eliminate leading the client – this possibility is sufficiently guarded against. In addition, it’s been my experience, that the responses given during analysis, have often surprised me to such an extent, I’ve nearly fallen out of my chair.

Looking at B, we’re almost certainly entering the world of woo-woo to suggest the majority of clients entering my consulting room, have issues with their parents, simply because I had a traumatic childhood. Perhaps if I’d advertised my services as being specific to parent/child issues, this would be the case; I didn’t.

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Perhaps to some extent, all of this is a little irrelevant when I tell you Steven Pinker, was also of the opinion, that parents shouldn’t work hard at how they raise our kids, if they wanted children to like them.

“Curious, but I though parenting was about raising balanced, respectful and responsible adults, not about being liked by children.”

If you want to be liked by our children just give them what they want, however, as we should all know, giving children what they want, is not, by any means, what’s good for them.

One thing is for sure, if you want your children to respect you, once they’ve become adults, give them what they need for the future (love) not what they want in their present moment of wanting. If they don’t like it, then we need to better develop our negotiation skills, and how to train our children to think about cause and effect. Something lacking in some of today’s young.

Lens flare light. Cross on peak of Hoher Goell.

“One other thing that caught my attention this week was the observation: because Christ was a carpenter, it proves that we don’t necessarily need intelligence to be effective. Remarkably condescending considering how many intelligent carpenters I’ve met, besides, I always though Christ was a tradesman who believed in love.”

In this respect I’d agree with the sentiments – we don’t need to be intelligent to be successful – as love, and love of our children, has absolutely nothing to do with intelligence. In fact, intelligence, it would seem, can be a total block to properly understanding it.

All in all, an interesting week, let’s hope next week is as much fun. א