People Pleasing

“You may find this relevant today. Extracted from our workbook: ‘Create Beautiful Partnerships’ – we’re sure it will help”

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People
Michelle’s reality was loneliness

There are people who take all the time and there are people who
give all the time, the latter is exhausting

Michelle sat at the kitchen table smoking a very large joint; she drew heavily, inhaled the smoke and began to feel the buzz.

‘That’s better,’ she said to the empty kitchen, ‘time alone to chill with a glass of wine and a smoke, heaven!’

Michelle enjoyed being there for others, it helped her feel less alone in a way, but to Michelle, people always seemed so needy. She often asked herself: what was it about her that enabled people to open up, to share their sorrows so readily? Was she a good listener, a good friend, likeable?

The time alone continued for three days. Eventually, she became bored with feeling drunk and stoned, it was time to return to work and reality. Michelle’s reality was loneliness. Even when in company she could never quite push the feeling of being alone away. It helped to be with friends and colleagues, either at work or in her local later.

Andrew loved it when Michelle sat with him. They had both finished a tiring day’s work and were now in their local pub, enjoying the atmosphere and beer. To Andrew, Michelle seemed such a caring, lovely person, so easy to talk to. He was, of course, falling for her and in his eyes; she seemed to be warming to him.

As they talked, he shared more and more of himself, his fears, hopes and troubles. Michelle listened, made jokes and smiled in all the right places and seemed insistent on buying more than her fair share of drinks. Andrew made a decision, at the end of the evening he would ask her out. At the time, Andrew hadn’t even considered the fact he knew absolutely nothing about Michelle, all he knew was that he liked her warmth

And so it was, they started seeing each other and over the weeks became closer, more loving. The sex was great! In Andrew’s eyes all seemed well, until Michelle changed. She became distant, detached somehow. They started seeing less and less of each other. When in company, Michelle seemed antagonistic and critical of the things he said and did. It was the evening when he became angry at her criticism that he decided to call it a day

‘It’s just not working,’ he told her.

Returning home afterwards he felt sad and confused over ending it with his girlfriend, but knew her behaviour had become intolerable.

‘Well, there goes another one, disappearing into the night,’ said Michelle despondently. ‘And anyway he was just another needy fella, no loss.’

It was only later that Michelle began to feel sad and confused, she didn’t understand why so many of her relationships ended up this way. She had fallen in love with Andrew.

She topped up her glass of red wine, and then drew heavily on her joint. ‘Oh, heaven, time alone to chill,’ she exclaimed to the walls in her kitchen.

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To be considerate to other peoples needs is all well and good, however, to be overly considerate to others, due to a need to be liked, will in time end in the need to reject the people who learn to take from the people pleaser.

An individual who gives all the time will be neglecting their own emotional needs. This state of affairs cannot be sustained for long periods. When the people pleaser begins to sense they are neglecting their own emotional needs, it becomes necessary for them to reject the takers.

People are often confused by the people pleaser, as most of the time they are the life and soul of the party. They are the kind of person who can be relied upon to do the right thing by others, to be there for them. In time, the people pleaser will turn. They may slip into a dark mood and cut themselves off from others. Confusion for all is the result.

To be the partner of a people pleaser is hard work, as it can seem that the relationship is one long cycle of acceptance, followed by rejection and so on.

Conclusion

Needing to be liked by others is the people pleaser’s drama. Neglecting ones own emotional needs only results in a poor cycle of accept, then reject, the result of which is confusion for the people pleaser and those around them.

In our true story, Michelle was a people pleaser. Her own emotional needs came second. The cycle of accept, then reject, was necessary for her due to mental exhaustion. She needed to learn how to accept love and learn to believe that she was lovable.

We refer to the ‘ultimate rejection process’ within our heading; by changing her consciousness with alcohol and marijuana, Michelle was ultimately rejecting the self.

Solution

Putting ones own emotional needs first is paramount in beginning to change the cycle of accept then reject, a cycle that can happen when overly considerate to other peoples needs. It must be recognised that the individuals emotional needs come before anyone else’s.

Conversely, a person who dumps their emotional baggage onto others will continue to do this if allowed to do so. They may not have any consideration for the recipient of their garbage, they come away lighter, and the people pleaser will only ever ultimately feel dumpedon.

Important questions are these:
What is it that is lacking within me that drives me to want to please everyone else?
How is it so important that others like me?
What needs to happen for me to believe that people like me for who I am?

You can find your application form for workshop attendance here.

Beautiful Silence

“I’m staying somewhere different at the moment. There are wide open spaces, wild horses, and big blue skies. There is silence”

There’s a quiet stillness that would not suit everyone. I’m standing next to someone washing the dishes saying nothing; for I have nothing to say. The man standing next to me, also washing up, starts to hum. It’s not particularly tuneful; I want him to stop, but say nothing. Eventually he leaves and a space is left that isn’t filled with something created by the human voice box. A most unpleasant sound sometimes.

I wonder what it is that makes us so uncomfortable in silence. How it is we need to fill every moment with a sound of our own making? The human washing-man grew increasingly uncomfortable with the silence; a silence I would normally feel obliged to fill. I didn’t, he hummed.

A madman starts to hum or talk to himself as a means of distraction. He is, after all, insane, and needs the sounds to soothe his restless mind. Have we all gone so insane that we can’t stand the silence?

Sit quietly my love, be still, hear the sound of your heart in your ears as it calms. Listen to the chatter of your own mind, in time, it calms and quietens too. You have nothing to say, for if you’re not talking about them, they’re not interested, so rest. Save your breath, detach yourself from the insanity, and be quite. Silence is your friend.

Your friend because without it you’ll not hear what your mind has to tell you. It wants to tell you about yourself; about the loneliness. Are we not looking to cure this with sound; any sound? When we take the time to listen to our inner voice, eventually, we’ll feel the emotion. An emotion we all feel when accepted and a stranger no more. Stop being a stranger to yourself. Be quiet. Silence now, Calm now. Shush.

Find the Peace Within Yourself – Retrospection

Retrospection

“It might seem very simplistic, and perhaps a little clichéd to say: we create a peaceful world once we find peace within ourselves. Even so, what if this were true?”

What exactly do we have to lose through seeking this peace from within? If our world becomes peaceful as a result, we’ll all be grateful for the effort and if nothing happens, there’s nothing’s lost.

If we were to follow some eastern teachings about finding peace within, we’d be told that using the word effort, is wrong. We’d be led into a world of symbolism, metaphor and double speak, sufficient to confuse the hell out of us, and into throwing the book away. We’d sink back into our funk, confusion and depression, before we could even say the word taofuck. So let’s establish some facts to begin with. If you want to find peace, wellbeing and happiness, you will need to put some effort in.

We certainly don’t advocate the worlds belief: no pain no gain, as this would tie us up, with employing the methods used by the majority. You know the kind of thing: Keep busy, stiff-upper-lip, pills, alcohol, sex, doctors, money, consumerism, you name it, all the western world solutions, to tie us up in knots.

“So when we talk of effort, we’re referring to the effort involved, with being retrospective. The effort it takes to examine the root to our discomfort and unease”

My background is Analytical Hypnotherapy. As a result, I’ve come to understand, it’s the examination of memories from early experiences, that enable us to take charge of any negative influence they may still hold over us.

There’s no denying it’s only the courageous who’re prepared to undergo this kind of analysis. Over the years spent as an analyst, I met many courageous souls, who’d reached a point in their lives, where time in my chair had become a necessity. I’m by no means suggesting we all do that, what I am suggesting though, is we should all take a leaf out of their book. Retrospection is the way and means to break free from the negative influences of the past.

As example let’s look again at depression. We read about the early demise of celebrities who’ve spent a lifetime struggling with depression. It’s my view, and that of my colleagues, that this kind of depression is borne from a fruitless search. As you will have experienced this yourself, think back to searching for a lost item; perhaps it’s keys, purse or wallet. When we’re unable to find a desperately needed item, we become frustrated, and eventually downhearted.

Now imagine when this search is for something metaphysical. Imagine when this search is for love. Potentially, it could be a love we’ve never experienced, but longed for all our lives. Through whatever means we just can’t find it. There’s no satisfaction. We’ve tried everything: dozens of relationships, sex, drugs, consumerism. . . yep you’ve guessed it, all the things we’re told to believe make us happy, complete and well.

“When the search is for a love we’ve never know, all we find, is frustration leading to depression. Until the next time that is. The pattern and process just begins again. And we wonder why depression comes and goes”

The solution is to cease the external search. We must stop looking to find some kind of satisfaction through external means. The answer really does lie within. What if the presenters, actors, actresses or pop stars, stopped seeking love, through the adoration fame brings? Would this mean we’d have less artistic excellence? I doubt it. Potentially our artistic excellence would be recognised for having a very different nature. Not through the work of tortured souls, but from peaceful souls who’ve found what the answer is. A true acceptance of a self created through retrospection.

The cure to loneliness will never be recognition from others, just as the search for love outside of ourselves, will always prove fruitless. Those things you love about others are within you too. Retrospection might just help you know.

what's the plan, maturity, loneliness

Loneliness and The Pleasure of Being Motivated

Understanding Loneliness

“Understanding releases the energy ignorance suppresses. We feel this energy in the pleasure of becoming motivated. Once we do the thing, we gain the pleasure and power, of our motivation.”

power

Some scientists, in their current, early attempts at creating AI, seem intent on giving them human characteristics. I suppose we’d potentially be more accepting of robots that looked like us, and yet, we must ask: why exactly would we ever need to make AI’s that looked like us? Furthermore, why would we need an AI to be mobile? So it could do the washing up?

Creating a machine in our image is unnecessary, very self-indulgent and only there to serve as example of our ability to create life. Surely we don’t need to keep proving our ability to do that! We know we can create life, but making robots in our image, may seem the obvious thing to do. In time though, we’ll come to understand, the true benefit to creating AI, is being overlooked.

what's the plan, maturity

We must be cautious in our attempts. Some level of dependency on machines is inevitable. To some, the dangers of an increasing dependency, are all to obvious. If we remain ignorant of our weaknesses, and the fear this brings, AI’s will inherit the earth 

“If we’re to make it as a species, we must gain better understanding of our weaknesses, instead of pandering to them.”

Many of us long to be cared for. Due to this we struggle to make the transition from childhood to adulthood. The examples we’re shown of life as an adult, are often example enough, for us to shy away from it. We’re shown that fear, pain and anguish, are part of adulthood. This can be the case but only when unprepared for it.

We’re not shielded from the beliefs and failings of the adults that raise us. We’re brought into adult stress and conflicts far too early. Because of this we look to avoid maturity through remaining dependent, either on the people around us, or society as a whole. That is, if society has provision for this dependency. That last statement makes you wonder: Is charity spreading the disease of that provision worldwide?

Is there a proportion of society allowing the ignorance of human weakness to grow. Is this giving them further power to open up the social divide. Why are our Psychologists, seemingly making matters worse, rather than better? Are they ALL fearful of the ‘career suicide’ telling the truth would potentially bring? Or are they happy to be part of the problem? Is their intellectualising and lust for recognition the very disease they’re supposedly healing?

The truth about loneliness remains the issue of us being lonely from the self. We don’t know ourselves enough to cure our loneliness. In this light, perhaps we feel creating AI’s in our image, with superior intelligence, will give us the answers we long for.

No doubt these answers will need to come from an intelligence, created by some other entity, before we actually start to take notice and listen. Ultimately, and whether we like it or not, the only way to cure loneliness, and all the associated limitations it brings, is to know the self.

“Just take a look at the people around you, and understand, this is all you are.”

If you’re dissatisfied with how things seem, release the suppressed energy of ignorance, by becoming informed. We set ourselves free, from those who need to believe they’re superior, by understanding their failings.

“ONCE WE FREE OURSELVES, OF THIS SAME FEAR, WE WILL COME TO UNDERSTAND HOW WE’RE BEING ENSLAVED.”

 

The Locksmith Series #4

Loneliness
We all find ways to cope with loneliness

Loneliness. Walking in the opposite direction to Emily, Joanne was pondering on what she needed to pick up from her local convenience store. As it was Friday, she thought it would be especially nice to treat Molly, her cat, to some posh cat food and not the cheap stuff she normally bought. Amongst these thoughts wrestled the indecision of whether tonight’s wine was going to be red or white. To help, she tasted them in her mind, comparing the difference between the two, she also thought about what to prepare for dinner, if prepare was the right word, ready meals didn’t really count on that score.

Earlier, she’d reminded Emily about the Locksmith, because she was beginning to grow a little tired of hearing about her struggles with food; we all had our share of problems, and even though she often enjoyed listening, she felt Emily would be better off talking to a professional. Being slightly overweight was one thing, but Joanne believed Emily’s problems, ran a little deeper.

Now she came to think of it, the friend – less of a friend, more of an acquaintance – who’d first mentioned the Locksmith, had described him in quite vague terms, but said she’d felt deeply affected by what he’d told her. The more she thought of it now, the more she started to doubt if sending Emily on such a quest, had been wise. What did she actually know about the Locksmith? The old acquaintance who’d confided in her hadn’t been seen or heard of for some time, in fact, when was the last time she’d seen Rebecca?

Having climbed the few stairs to the landing she now stood at the door to her flat. The bag containing the cat food, and the red wine she’d decided on, swung from her left arm. Joanne was feeling good about her choices, as her true and only trusted companion, she felt Molly was especially deserving of a gourmet-cat-food-treat. The animal was very important to Joanne.

Whilst fumbling around in her bag for keys, she heard a sound from the other side of the door, a smile touched her lips, it sounded like Molly had anticipated her return.

To be continued…

games, play

Being Amongst Them

games
Trump Tower

“It’s such fun being amongst them, the kids. They’re so wonderful. One extraordinary thing, that fascinates me about the children, is their ability to wrap me around their little fingers. They use my love to manipulate me.”

I do laugh. It’s so funny to see them play. The games they play, in an attempt to get their own way, are just brilliant to observe. And the thing is, so often we don’t recognise the games for what they are, and we unwittingly get dragged in.

Like when they play one person off another. You know the situation. It’s similar to when mummy won’t give them what they want, so they talk to someone else (perhaps dad), as a way of getting around mum.

The way they can play people is extraordinary. I get caught out! It’s annoying and frustrating at the time, but on reflection, amazing and astounding how skilled and accomplished they are at playing their wilful games.

Of course, getting their own way, might be about not having to do a certain job, chore, or any task they dislike in fact. We do our best to teach them responsibility and the importance of gaining skills, independence and the ability to look after themselves.

We look to teach them about being gentle and respectful to each other; how to play nicely. Sometimes though, we do fail in conveying our message, as we once again get caught in their clever, manipulative game play.

Oh such fun! Of course, many a parent will tell you, spending too much time with the kids can be very draining. Having to calm their squabbles – when they don’t get their own way – or entertaining them with fool-play, can be very tiring. Sometimes we parents simply crave – and I do mean crave – time with the grown-ups. It can be very lonely being a parent.

“Sometimes though, no matter how much we crave for grown up conversation and interaction, it can prove very sparse.”

Other grown ups are also very busy caring for those beautiful little nippers. In fact, so busy are the grown ups, that their lives seem constantly tied up with the games of children. Many grown ups need to get pissed every night! Hey ho. So happy to have seen through that one.

It really can be very lonely being a parent, so we mustn’t forget to spend time with those who’re able to communicate, on a similar, or higher level, bringing us forward by gaining our rapt attention. We must remember to interact and stay close to those who stimulate our minds. So remember: Have no fear, spend some time, with the real grown-ups.

Applications now invited:

time
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