How can we tell if someone is lying? How can we defend ourselves against the damage of lies?
If we start with understanding what a lie is, and why they’re so common, we begin the process of understanding how to defend ourselves against them.
Let’s just take ourselves back to being young for a moment, and gently ponder, on the lies we told at that time. Straight away, there might now be a few who tell a lie, to themselves. They might be saying: “I never told lies.” Whoops, let’s just let that one go then shall we, and start again. We all tell lies. That’s right, all of us.
“The truth, and the truth of our opinions can be hurtful, so of course, we protect people’s feelings. We protect them against the truth of either our opinion, or indeed, the truth itself”
In this instance, we can consider the lie as being driven by our empathy, and consideration for the feelings of others. Even when we tell lies under such circumstances though, in a deeper part of our minds, we do understand lying isn’t necessarily useful. The lie may protect someone’s feelings, however, in the long term, the lie may do harm. For example, if someone close to you were to ask: “Do you love me?” And you’re answer is: “Yes,” when the truth is you’re no longer certain, eventually the truth will out, and the lie will then be seen as harmful. When the eventual break up comes, the question will be: “Why didn’t you tell me sooner? I could have moved on with my life years ago.”
So we can easily see, the issue of lies, is a complicated one. Telling the truth, in the above example, would take great courage. Now, pause for a moment if you will. Can we spot the real lie in the above example? Is it not the case, the real lie, is the reason for saying yes? Indeed we do want to protect feelings, however, because we’re fearful of loss, through making a mistake, the real lie, is that we tell ourselves we’re protecting someone else. What would the pain of loss cost you? Truth, it would seem, is often avoided in order to protect ourselves, as well as the feelings of others. Self preservation, is the lot of the lie, is it not?
“Now, when it comes to defending ourselves against lies, this is where it gets very interesting”
There are those individuals who are specially trained at spotting lies. Police detectives, psychologists and therapists, are potentially the best at spotting them. They deal with them all the time. With this said though, how competent are the rest of us at spotting lies? Can you easily spot one? Here’s a clue to the truth of that question: Everyone is lying to you right now. Almost everything you hear is laced with some kind of lie.
We must take on board the self preservation aspect of lies. To help with understanding this, let’s form the presupposition that everyone, is fearful of being alone. Let’s also state, that on one level, everyone is in fact already aware of this, and all we’re doing, is playing psychological games, through our lies, in order to escape accepting this truth.
With these presuppositions and understandings in place, defending oneself against the potential harm of lies, is easy. All we need do, is accept our own aloneness. Once we’re able to do this, there is no longer any need for us to lie, and lies from others, can be seen for what they are: A cry for love. Should anyone reject us through our truth, it will no longer matter, because we already understand ourselves as alone.
“Alone, is when no other person is able to be part of our mind, body, or soul. Can any other person be part of your mind, to the extent they could read your thoughts? No. As such, you are alone.”
In order to take our understandings of lies a little deeper, I need to change tack slightly. I need to talk about those people who’re able to create the illusion of being part of your mind. Once this illusion is created, you feel less alone, and as such, safer. There is great danger here. You can potentially become owned, controlled and dependant, on a person who has the ability to create such an illusion. The lie, is that they’re part of your mind; that they have some kind of connection with you, that’s more than mere similarity. You are the one who’s creating the lie incidentally. You’re lying to yourself.
“I’m going to give you a clear example of this. Take some time here”
Imagine a conversation with someone close, who starts talking to you, with the assumption you already know part of what they’ve been thinking. For example, they start the conversation, like this: “She said she didn’t know.”
Okay, a conversation initiated in such a fashion, could go one of two ways. You either ask them: “WTF are you talking about? Or you could take a moment to work out who they might be referring to: – There might be some tenuous link with a previous conversation, or you might be able to easily work out who’s been spoken about. Firstly, your attention has been grabbed. Secondly, in the process of you working out who’s been spoken about, you’ll be creating the illusion of being inside someone else’s mind. Something that creates a very powerful bond. Always bear in mind. This. Is. An. Illusion.
“Remember where the lie is here”
The lie is that it’s possible to be inside someone else’s mind. Don’t be fooled, once you buy into such a lie, you can be very easily manipulated. All of us humans are looking for one thing: to be less alone. Those who’re able to create the illusion of mind reading, will have immense power over you.
To the point. Lies are used as a means of protecting the self: the ego. The ego is excellent at lying. We only ever lie to ourselves and we do this as a means of self-preservation. We defend ourselves against the potential harm of lies, when we acknowledge, our aloneness. Knowledge removes fear.
Allow me to give you further example of the protective nature of lies. I work closely with a compulsive liar. She lies as a means of protecting her ego. Her ego is in fact extremely fragile. The person in question has been placed in a position of authority that well exceeds her abilities (resources). As a means of compensating for this, her opinions and conversation, are always laced with lies. This is now at the point that nearly everything she says seems made up. I’ve stopped hearing almost everything she says to me. I once saw a T-shirt with the words: “I’m not hearing a word you’re saying to me, I’m just smiling and nodding in all the right places, in the hope this works.” That’s the place I’m in with the lairs of liars. I barely hear a word anyone says to me.
As in childhood, the ego will recognise lack of resources and compensate for this, through lies. Some never grow out of the need to tell lies, because they’ve never grown out, of childhood. Sound familiar? Do you know anyone like this? Are there some – on the world stage right now – who need to tell lies, because their child-mind needs to protect itself?
We must now understand:
“It’s not so much truth, that sets us free, it’s the fact only the free, speak it. Freedom is when you’re no longer afraid”