Tag: Emotional Maturity

A Grown Up Passion

On By Andrew FreedmanIn Parenting, Personal and Professional Development

“What if everybody had an ‘I’m all right Jack, pull up the ladder’ attitude to life?”

What if every man was for himself? Not difficult questions and the answer is simple too: Society would become increasingly chaotic. We’d certainly have an increasing number of lost young men as their self-centered fathers deserted them. Young men left to find their own way in life often fall into the wrong kind of company.

Thankfully there are plenty of men who understand the need to be a good father. It often takes a lot of strength to be a good parent. A parent who’s prepared to look closely at the relationship they have with the mother or father of the children.

These same man and women understand the difficulties we all face within our relationships. Some of them are very patient, gentle and understanding, of their partners. Relationships can become very strained at times, and when we’re unable to understand why we may be rejecting each other, conflict grows and grows until the eventual split.

“It also takes a lot of strength for parents, who’ve decided to split, to become accepting of the importance of their respective, continued involvement, with the children”

It may be convenient for us to believe that a child only needs one parent. However convenient it may seem though, study after study has shown, when a child has a balanced and wide perspective of life – and idea of what it means to be a grown man or woman – they have greater chance of living a happy adulthood.

“And so it’s the ‘I’m all right Jack’s’ of this world who make it so challenging for the rest of us. Once again this has a lot to do with maturity”

In my previous post I spoke of my need to empower before feeling any sense of direction and purpose. For me to continue concentrating this need – on just one individual – as I did as a younger man, would be suggestive of emotional immaturity.

To only focus this need on the closest to me – potentially my partner – would also indicate an ‘I’m all right Jack’ kind of attitude. It simply doesn’t serve society well, if all we think of empowering, are those in our immediate vicinity; those in our family or close social circle.

Think of all those individuals who’ve chosen to work with our troubled and abandoned young. Youth workers and teachers. Do they have a self-centered attitude to life? Hardly. Potentially, and as hard as you might find this to accept, they’re the one’s stopping this whole mess from falling apart at the seams.

“We need a greater number of people, who recognise what kind of maturity is required to escape self-centeredness, teaching us how to find this for ourselves. The more mature we all are, the stronger our positive bonds, become”

In the long term there is no benefit to being self-serving. Think of the eventual pain and loneliness experienced by those who’ve lived codependent relationships. When one of them dies so does the other. When we see beyond the dead-end-brick-wall of self-centeredness, we open up our lives to more love, more compassion; more of everything.

Join us this September and experience what the maturity of paying it forward really means.          

Personal Development – The Rise of Emotional Maturity

On By Andrew FreedmanIn Personal and Professional Development

Emotional Maturity

“The majority of us have something specific we want to be good at. This, of course, is where the personal element of Personal Development comes into play”

Let’s say your goal was Emotional Maturity. It’s certainly a grand goal to have, and one that benefits not only the individual, but society as a whole. Becoming emotionally mature assists your life and the lives of many. Just being around someone who has this development in mind is a refreshing and beneficial place to be.

From our standpoint, emotional maturity, is based on wholeness. Wholeness is achieved through raised awareness of the self and drivings. Emotional maturity has been achieved, when our drivings become less self-centered, and more concerned with the greater good. This is a fabulous marker for recognising our own maturity. What are your true motivations?  

“Setting great examples to those around us is also an indication of our emotional maturity”

There is so much we can do, that sets great example, to demonstrate this. Take for example picking up rubbish from the streets. If we do this angrily, looking to shame the litter bugs, it defeats the objective. Alternatively, picking up after others, then calmly placing it in bins, sets good example. We’re able to do this when guided by a maturity that understands this kind of behaviour also gets noticed. And better still, it gets noticed, in a positive light. It’s setting this type of good example that makes the difference to those who are less mature than ourselves. They need our positive influence.

To continue with the emotion of anger, as example for a moment, we can know that becoming angry, through the inconsiderate and unthinking behaviour of others, is only useful when directed in a constructive way. It’s only when we direct our annoyance – away from the unthinking child – but at the root of the problem (immature parenting) will we effect change. Emotional maturity dictates we do this, not by shouting and blaming, but through understanding.

To explain further, let’s bring things down another level: What is at the root of immature parenting? Statistics give us a clue to this. Birth rates amongst the poorest in society are on the rise. Why is this? The belief that lack of money equals lack of opportunity may well have a bearing on this. An unthinking attitude to life – only barely self-aware, and as such subservient to our instinctive drivings – obviously limits our options and opportunities.

“It’s not the amount of money we have that dictates this, it’s whether or not we’re able to see the alternatives, through being shown good example”

It is possible to live a full, creative and happy life, without being wealthy? Indeed it is, and all we need now, are more people setting good example of how this is done. Emotional maturity is the start and a prerequisite to all of the above.   

Insecurity and Risk of Obsession

On By Andrew FreedmanIn Personal and Professional Development

Insecurity and Risk of Obsession

As an add on to my previous post, let’s consider how individuals, who felt high degrees of insecurity during childhood, go on to seek further insecurity and unnecessary risk in adulthood.

There are those individuals whose childhoods were so filled with fear and insecurity, that their minds – in an attempt to resolve the confusion this pain creates – continue to take unnecessary risks.

“In some respects what you’re reading here is fairly advanced psychology. Have no fear though, because advanced or not, it is extremely simple to understand”

You may know, or have met (or indeed be) the type of person, who seems to live life on the edge. And I don’t mean extreme sports here – although taking dangerous risks can link with insecurity – what I’m talking about are those who seem to go from boom to bust; those that take things to excess, risking their future security. These people are potentially those whose upbringing was filled with insecurity, and the mind, in an attempt to draw attention to the unresolved nature of emotion neglect, keeps them in a state of flux.

The conflict mentioned in the previous post need not be conflict at all. In other words, even though we may, on the one hand want adventure, challenge and variety, and on the other need security, we can have both. The mature attitude, to obsession and passion, is balance. It’s important we’re able to balance our work and home lives equally. Especially if what you’re passionate about takes a great deal of physical and/or mental energy to preform.

Insecurity in childhood can follow us into adulthood. If we’re not prepared to question the deeper purpose, to our actions and behaviour, we can remain stunted. Many of those who face extreme hardship at stages, or throughout their whole lives, have often come from very difficult backgrounds.

“Once such a person learns the nature of how the unconscious mind is seeking to communicate unfinished business, through this hardship, change – beautiful change – begins to happen”

For example, and in its simplest terms, an alcoholic, is this way, because of guilt. The alcohol changes the consciousness of an alcoholic, pushing down feelings of guilt, to where they can be easier dealt with. The drinking is not the problem. The drinking is the solution. The disease cures us.

Courage is needed when it comes to dealing with the roots to problems. The mind has already, to a degree, found a solution through drinking – or whatever the illness or dysfunctional behaviour might be – and so looking deeper takes strength. The key, is to see the minds solution, (alcoholism in our example) as a kind of communication.

In this light, we can understand, an immature drawing, to running from problems, or taking unnecessary risks with our life or security, is simply a means of communication. The mind is saying: you need to look at this.

Passion and obsession must never take us to a place of risk. Ataraxia at times is important. Letting things go so they don’t place us at unnecessary risk is also important. Yes, be passionate and obsessive about your thing, yet remember, without balance, we may well be getting drawn to the negative side of these things.

In Response

On By Andrew FreedmanIn Clarity, love, Parenting, Personal and Professional Development, Personal DevelopmentLeave a comment

In response to:

https://wordpress.com/read/feeds/55803779/posts/1537341987

“This isn’t about us being selfish, keeping him alive because we can’t bear to let him go. It’s because if we did not fight for this chance, we will have to live with the ‘what if’ for ever”…

The above quote from Charlie Gard’s parents really got me wondering. After all, it’s very important we never discard anything said, and especially if it’s handed to us on a plate. The important point is whether or not these words have been suggested to them, or come via solicitors, doctors (in America) or whoever. If they’re original thoughts from Charlie’s parents then we cannot discount something said, whether it’s a negation or not, as being the motivation. In other words, when we have the courage to face the truth, we will see our motivations are always selfishly motivated. There is no wrong or right about this; it just is. It’s part of the human condition, and one of the reason we’re the ‘warriors,’ that Charlie’s parents described him as.

Without selfishness we’d never have made it this far. I think we should all take a step back, and understand the pain parents of terminally ill children, go through. We’re then able to objectively see the simple truth: none of want to see a child die and will selfishly keep them alive at all costs. Once again there is no wrong or right.

“What we do seem to struggle with, is seeing clearly, what the best interest of the child are. The child cannot speak for itself, it can only look beautiful and needy. This is translated by the parents into a powerful emotional bond, that even the reality of terminal illness, will struggle to break.”

We, as a society, have, over time, become increasingly dependent on government, and the people that work for it. Any form of dependence weakens us to the point of being unable to make important decisions for ourselves. When young, and driven by our emotions, (heart over head) we’re unlikely to make decisions that are either rational or based on the wellbeing of someone else, especially a needy and beautiful child. Although needy and beautiful Charlie Gard was a very poorly child, and for all we know, his suffering could have been off any scale we could possibly judge. The ‘what if’ needed to be: what if this child is suffering intolerably? If there’s any question of this, we mustn’t prolong life. None of us ever ‘save’ lives we only ever prolong them.

So when we choose to leave important decision to government, because we’re so weakened by dependence, it proves hard to suddenly, and selfishly decide, we want to change the rules to prolong a child’s life. If we want others to look after us, that’s exactly what they’ll do; the selfish motivation in this instant, is power. The dependent are powerless at the hands of government and those who work for them.

We take back our power from government when we take out the confusion. Protecting the rights of a child can never necessarily mean keeping them alive at all costs. It’s probably an overused cliché, however, we never allow an animal to suffer unnecessarily, so why would we a child? Because we think human life is more important than that of an animal? Or is it because we love them enough to let them go?

Reading that Charlie’s parents will now “let our beautiful little boy be with the angels” only goes to prove how far we’ve yet to travel, when it comes to loving our children. Absurd Magical Beliefs (AMB’s) have no place in child-rearing if we have any chance of making it further. It’s this kind of thinking that  keeps us dependent on others (in this case doctors) who’ve been awarded power over us, and will continue to make decisions, on our behalf. 

“Finally, it’s been suggested, the American doctor who offered to help, had a vested interest in the company that manufactured the drugs, that would have supposedly prolong Charlie’s life.”

Once again we can see none of us are free from selfish motivations. The trick, is to change our understandings of the word selfish. When we have little consideration for the needs of other, we’re being self-centered, which is the reality of many people in the case of Charlie Gard. When we’re selfish we can very easily selfishly put the needs of others before our own, because this is a pleasurable thing to consider. Believe it or not, we can feel pleasure, when one of our own, is released from suffering.  

stopconfusion
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childhood

Fifty Three Years of Childhood

On By Andrew FreedmanIn love, Parenting, Personal and Professional Development
house under construction on blueprints - building project
Childhood is the construction of our house. What kind of house would you like to live in?

“If you haven’t already you will meet certain people, on this brief trip through life, that quite simply demand your attention. I don’t mean they grab you around the throat and shout in your face to get your attention, I mean their presence is so great, you simply have no choice.”

To get down and personal with you for a moment, I can tell you there are many, many children – young boys in particular – who’re lost to the world. They’re lost because they have no guide; no example to follow. Many young boys are desperately, unconsciously seeking some form of direction, and guidance.

For me, guidance as to what it means to be an adult, has come in many forms. It would seem to me, the knowledge of how to behave, how to control my feelings, how to love and treat those around me, and most importantly how to take responsibility for myself, has taken all of my fifty three years to gain any kind of traction.

In the main, the missing element for me, during childhood, was a father figure I could grow to respect and model myself on. With the absence of this father figure – as with so many young boys – I found myself grasping at any kind of guiding light or influence I could believe in.

Unfortunately for many, this guiding light proves to be a destructive force, that causes children to drift into those lost lives mentioned earlier. Manipulative and abusive adults seek out these vulnerable children, and then use them to further their own agendas, whether this be criminality, sexual perversion or religious extremism, we all know the sad results.

Through means that are unimportant now, much of the influences I experienced as a very young boy, had elements of a spiritual nature. That is to say, at a deep level, I believed my true father to of been an important man, who died some years ago. Two thousand years ago to be more exact.

The only flaw in my mothers plan, of showing me this ideal of a father, was that he was in fact dead. A dead man can never actually show you, in practical terms, what it really means to be a grown man in the twenty first century. This is why the outdated teachings of most religions have very little, if any, bearing on modern life whatsoever. Having said that, my true father had some useful lessons to teach me, in terms of my behaviour to my fellow man.

“Without these lessons though, I would have found it much easier, to fit in.”

Most of us, don’t really take any real notice of the lessons important people teach us, until it’s too late. One of the reasons for this is the lack of respect fathers, mothers, and parents in general, show themselves and each other. Knowing how to respect yourself and each other is not something that necessarily comes naturally .

When children are unable to witness good, clear and clean examples of compassion, gentleness and love, it can take an entire lifetime – of torture and mistakes – to gain the necessary insight into how we become a grown man, or woman. Even then, to be fully grown on an emotional level, is something that we can still fail at after a lifetime.

To be gentle compassionate, understanding and loving, of all our fellow man, is something to aspire to. Perhaps only a few of us see any importance, gain or value in this, however, those few who do, are those we must look to, so our children will be inspired. Value, gain and importance comes in the form of our future survival. If we’re to survive as a species, in whatever form we evolve to, we must learn how to grow emotionally.

The curiosity needed, to inspire us to want to understand how our minds work, must come from those we see value in modelling ourselves on. Those who see the importance and value of growth, as being the future survival of mankind – even though they won’t be around to witness it – are those we must begin to take notice of, or perish.

“It may have taken me fifty three years to face my responsibilities, yet now that I have, it’s true to say the torturous pain, of being a child amongst the few adults I’ve met, is now over.”

Much of the pain you may be experiencing is borne of the confusion created, when we’re unable to step beyond a certain point, in our emotional development. It can seem that no matter how hard we work, at being grown and responsible, something deep inside longs for the love and care, we potentially didn’t receive during childhood.

If you ever meet that person who shows you the love and compassion you longed for as a child, you will hunger for their time. This is one of the reasons therapists must – and I do mean must – fully comprehend the power (and purpose) of transference, if they’re to properly protect themselves, and their clients.

And so there we are. So much pain and confusion is borne from the absence of effective role models in childhood. Parents should be particularly guarded when it comes to the behaviour and language they exhibit towards each other in front of their children.

Children notice everything. Subtle unconscious communication between the adults around them gets noticed. Be aware of this, and how disrespect of each other, directly reflects onto the child as disrespect of them. The mother who criticises her husband in front of his son or daughter is doing everyone a disservice, and likewise, the husband who mistreats his wife in front of his children.

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Being a fully grown adult is more than the ability to fend for oneself, it’s about seeking ways to grow emotionally, and improve ones behaviour toward others.

Being grown is also about taking full responsibility for ones feelings, behaviour, and mistakes in life. There is never anyone to blame, least of all, absent fathers in childhood. They also missed the lessons in how to be a fully grown adult. Grow and set everyone free.