Tag: abuse

Be Yourself By Design

On By Andrew FreedmanIn Personal and Professional Development

Ownership

The Wonder of It All

Sometimes I sit and ponder about the wonder of it all: the fact that I’m alive and conscious at this moment in history; at this moment in time. Just pondering on consciousness can while away hours. And how about our place in the universe? What about planet earth? A spinning globe sitting near a star we call the sun. A solar system on the arm of an indistinct galaxy. Itself a cluster of millions of stars that sits amongst billions of other galaxies, each with millions, if not billions of stars of their own. All of it moving; travelling; expanding and changing. How lucky we are.

Other times I realise the importance of not pondering too much and simply getting on with it. The importance of doing. Understanding the significance of our good fortune though, does make being here, a little more important.

When becoming involved with Personal Development it won’t take long for you to come across the expression ‘own yourself.’ I think the concept works well enough, especially if you’re a survivor, from a difficult past. A past where the adults around you took ownership of you through emotional and/or physical abuse. Amongst many other things, the effects of abuse, can be a detachment from the self. A sleepy lack of awareness. There can be a lack of identity or an inability to form a clear sense of direction. This is where design comes into play.

“The alternative to design is an aimless drift through life just following instinctive, unconscious drivings, or conditioning”

A man I know, who suffers from poor health, raised a flag for me today. He’s an overweight diabetic in his fifties. Circulation problems are the cause of his bad feet. His bad teeth are hardly worth a mention. With all these problems he continues to smoke, eat junk food (hence suffering with painful hemorrhoids,) and he drinks to excess. There’s no plan or design to his life, in fact, to me, it would seem his plan, is to die before his time. And to not die well either. He spoke to me this morning about having just returned from a holiday:

‘How was it?’ I enquired,

“It was alright I suppose, got pissed a lot, it was all inclusive.”

So much for sightseeing. But then again he can’t walk too far.

Tipping Point

I think about the tipping point. At what point did he decide to not do anything about his health? To me, it seems as if this individual, has decided to not change. That he’s decided the road he’s on has no turn offs or crossroads. What would it take for this lonely, unhealthy man, to wake up and make a plan to survive? Would a fascination, a curiosity for his good fortune, do the trick? Perhaps an appreciation of life? Is it ownership he needs?

“It can never be understated how important a design for life is”

If he’d made a plan to live well from an early age, are we able to imagine life working out differently, for unhealthy man? He’d probably tell you he did make a plan: “but it all went wrong!” Eldest son on drugs, ex-wife that hates him, crap job, very little money, no future. Even so, it’s never too late and I feel that if he took ownership, not just of himself, but of the good fortune life has offered him, he might live a little longer.

He could find the motivation to change. As far as the plan he might have made when young is concerned, well, it can go wrong if we don’t own ourselves to begin with. If we don’t own our mind.

Ownership

Owning ourself (our mind) can only happen once we know ourselves. If we have very little knowledge of the alternative, unconscious design, our minds may hold for us, it can be a little like trying to train a puppy, whilst he has greater interest in a juicy bone.

A real and tangible understanding of our mind, along with the effects non-ownership can have – and the role of others in this regard – empowers us to take charge.

Ownership

Design  

Sometimes there’s a need to design exactly who we want to be before we’re able to take ownership. Let’s face it, we’re more inclined to desire ownership of something that’s been lovingly designed, are we not? When we’re fully in control, of who draws the plans for this design, ownership becomes an easy consequence. Take charge, make a plan for 2019 that includes Personal Development. You can find your application form here

Philosophers and Game Changers

On By Andrew FreedmanIn Personal and Professional Development, Philosophy

“There have been many Philosophers over the years who’ve cited that everything is simply a game. In some respects this can be useful, and in others, not so”

One advantage to seeing the behaviour of others as gameplay is that we’re able to think strategically. That is to say, we not only seek out a means of playing the game on their terms, we also look to play this game, to win.

“All of this changes though, when the game becomes abusive. Just as with a game of football, when things become abusive, red cards are shown, and players sent off”

If we intend, on seeing the actions of others as simply a game, we must know when to draw the line. In other words, when the gameplay becomes abusive, it’s time to show your opponent the red card. It’s time to cast them from your life.

Perhaps casting someone from your life isn’t practical, they might be a work colleague for example, so when this is the case, seeking out new employment might be necessary. If this isn’t an option there’s always murder. It must be brought to mind though, there aren’t many who get away with this. Unless you’re a government representative, or a member of some other untouchable organisation (of which there are many), murder is probably best avoided.

“So when murder or new employment aren’t options, firm boundaries and as much silence as is practicable, are a potential solution”

In an earlier post entitled How To Defend The Empath I spoke of the necessity of becoming emotionally detached. Manipulative game players are only able to get under our skin, so to speak, through tapping into our emotions. Developing thicker skins, and not being drawn into emotionally abusive gameplay, is key. Learning how to do this can take time. However, just as other Philosophers will tell you, time, is in fact, all we have.

When you feel so inclined be free to take some time and explore the many posts on this site. I hope you find the inspiration to move forward in your life. If time is of great value to you, remember there is always the option of experiencing us – The Freedman College team – first hand. Until we meet. Thanks for giving the only thing you have.

Andrew Freedman א

Why Does It Matter? (The Transgender Issue)

On By Andrew FreedmanIn love, Parenting, Personal and Professional Development

Parenting

“It seems clear to me, and many others, that little girls and boys are adept at getting what they need. Food, warmth, shelter and above all, attention. All of this adds up to love”

Children are dependent on those who care for them. They surely soon come to understand this, to the degree, they will do all within their power to receive it. How much power children have is of course debatable, yet to me, a child’s power will always be the greatest of all. I say this, because a child is able to focus our love for them, in ways an adult couldn’t possibly.

We recognise their vulnerability through dependence and need. It’s our instinctive need to care for our young. We love how they’re an extension of us. When we love ourselves, this is extended, to the mini versions of us we’ve created. All of these things add up to the importance of us doing the very best by our young.

Doing our best includes gaining understandings of how our minds work. When we understand some very simple principles, we empower ourselves with more choice, and potentially increase our skills when it comes to raising happy, healthy, and well grounded children.

“When children have the influence of both a mother and a father they’re better able to find an identity that fits with the one they’ve been assigned at birth”

When a child is raised by just one parent there is an increased likelihood of them wanting to identify with the sex of that parent. The intelligent human brain is very adept and gaining what it needs for survival.

The child-brain picks up on the unconscious signals from its carers. If the message and signals are construed as: mummy wants a little girl, for example, the child will seek to be the object of its mothers desire, regardless of what sex it was assigned at birth. Remember, all that matters to the child, is survival. Survival that’s dependent on the love, care and attention it receives, from carers. The more attention the better.

If you watch this short clip, relating to the transgender issue, take a moment to ponder on the dynamic of mother and child within this single parent family.

What parents often forget are the unconscious signals they project onto the child. The child’s mind is an empty void open for whatever the adults around it are likely to project.

I often think of the time walking behind a young mother in the street some years ago, she violently chastised her five year old daughter for being “Such a little bitch.” At five, it’s impossible for a child to be a ‘little bitch.’ She may be inconsiderate to her siblings, until taught otherwise, she may be self-centered, until taught otherwise, she may be naughty, until taught otherwise, but a bitch? Hardly. Remember: all criticism is self criticism.

And so, as a parent or potential parent, we must understand, the greatest skill a child exhibits is getting its needs met. The closer it can get to a parent, the better. It will do this by any means. Good behaviour, bad behaviour, gentle, sweet, rowdy, violent, transgender, whatever. The behaviour is irrelevant, as long is it gets attention.

“In the mind of the child, attention equals love and it will fight to get what it needs. Even to the point of becoming a little girl, when born a boy, and definitely if this beats their siblings to it”

When the child exhibits confusion over its identity a parent must make it clear they are loved and cared for just as much for being a boy or girl respectively. The child’s mind, at such an early stage in its development, is ill equipped to make a decision over gender. That is not the job of the child; genes have already decided this. We must see the advantage in having this kind of decision taken out of our hands. Yes the brain may disagree, however, this is due to the things I’ve now explained. 

The question still remains: why does it matter? Why indeed. Well, as I see it, there’s plenty of confusion in the world already. For parents to add to this, with poor ability to set boundaries and failure to understand the projection of their own minds, is abuse through neglect. This is how I see it.

Setting boundaries and being parents, instead of ‘best mates’ to our children, is imperative. Without this, children grow into adults robbed of a future their genes have decided. If my little boy wanted to be a girl I’d simply explain like this:

“As you grow older your choices will increase, for now you are in my care, and this is how it needs to be. You are a boy. The decision was made before you were born, and I will do my best to be the man you’d like to be, once you’re grown. I love you for what you are”

It is a parents responsibility to recognise their duty to our children. The child is not the sex parents want it to be, (consciously or unconsciously) or what sex the underdeveloped mind of the child wants to be. The child is what mother nature has decided, and to be fee from confusion, we must always encourage this. Simple.

The Positive and Negative of What We Do

On By Andrew FreedmanIn Analysis, love, Personal and Professional Development1 Comment

Awareness

“Our unconscious drivings are a curious thing”

Much, if not most of what we do, is driven unconsciously. When we better understand what these things are, through raising them into our awareness, we increase our choices. It’s that simple: more choice is the reward for looking.

In a previous post we stated: “The Talent is In The Choices.” With this in mind, it can be said, too much choice is a bad thing, however, just as limiting – if not more so – is lack of choice. When we just act instinctively, with no seeming choice in the matter, we’re restricted.

“Too much choice, compared to having more choice through increased awareness, are two very different things”

Think about what you do for a living. It will be, that at some point you made a conscious decision, in what you now do; of course there’s been a conscious decision. However, what we don’t consider, is the unconscious driving behind it.

What we don’t consider, is the unconscious driving, may have been a negative one. Stay with this, it will become clearer.

When we increase are awareness, and find both the unconscious and conscious drivings, we increase choice. The ability to choose between a job – we’ve taken through an unconscious, negative force – or a life enhancing one we’ve taken through being fully aware – would be a beneficial ability, would it not?

Awareness

“Allow me to explain”

If you follow this blog, you’ll potentially be aware of the personal journey held within. In a recent post I spoke of my activities on weekday mornings. As a result of writing my thoughts down, I’ve now become aware of the negative drivings for this activity. The result is an increase in choice. I now understand the deeper purpose to my activities. Much of the deeper purpose was an unconscious method of communication. Let me explain further.

Obviously, I despise being abused by members of the general public, who doesn’t. If you work, or have ever worked withing the service industry, (we ALL do on some level) you’ll be aware of this fact: some people delude themselves into thinking they’re better than you, and also think it’s acceptable, to abuse you.

Now, as discussed in the post Tightening Spokes, having decisions taken out of our hands, as a child, is obviously very disempowering. For my biological father to make a decision on my behalf, without my knowledge, because my job inconvenienced him, was abusive. I understand this now. Continuing to work within a field where I open and expose myself to any kind of abuse, is something I’m now able to change or better deal with. I no longer need my mind to communicate unfinished business with me in this way. I no longer need to prove to myself – I’m a little person who gets abused – sticking it out with uninspiring work.

“The things we’re drawn to, are, at times, simply a method of communication from our unconscious mind”

Unfinished business from childhood has a way of showing itself. Take phobias. We’re only born with two fears: Loud noises and falling, all other fears are learnt and serve some kind of purpose. An irrational fear of snakes, for example, can be attributed to all sorts of childhood confusion. The fear is curing us, and at the same time the mind is looking to communicate, something needs our conscious attention. When we resolve the confusion from childhood, the phobia disappears. At the very least, we feel more choice and are no longer driven, by an irrational fear. There are no life threatening snakes in the UK. At least not the reptilian type that is.

Let me give you further example. Take someone who’s in the caring profession, let’s say, it’s looking after the elderly. I recently watched a snippet of video showing a recording of an elderly lady being slapped by her carer. The film was recorded by hidden camera placed in the home by her daughter. The health of the lady in question had deteriorated somewhat (she was already suffering with Alzheimer’s disease) and her daughter suspected it may have been due to abuse from her carer. The recording proved her worst fears.

Now, what of the carer? Why was she doing a job she obviously despised? We can know, potentially, the driving behind this, was her unconscious mind seeking communication. What unfinished business, do you imagine, was in the mind of a carer abusing those placed in her care? Why was she doing something she despised? Why was there no love? Do you imagine this person was loved and cared for as a child? Or do you think this unlikely?

“And so to the point”

The activities we’re driven to do often hold clues that we overlook. These clues can be our mind communicating unfinished business. When we see the clues for what they are, we remove the negative driving, and increase our choices. In my case, the next person who feels it’s permissible to abuse me, will be told to leave. Simple.

And what of you? We can all look to better ourselves, by escaping a negatively driven activity, that may only be our minds way of saying: “YOU NEED TO LOOK AT THIS.”

Look closely at the things you do that are not something you enjoy. Why would you do that? Through necessity? Perhaps this is the case, however, what about the aspects to that activity you grudgingly put up with and don’t seek to change? Are you seeking any change? Are you seeking to better your life? If not, why not? What does your mind want to tell you?

Children running free, Beauty of Naivety

Beautiful Naivety

On By Andrew FreedmanIn love, Parenting, Personal and Professional Development, Personal Development1 Comment
Children running free, Beauty of
The Beauty of Innocence and Naivety

I’ve worked alongside a person, who has such deep and limiting insecurity within herself, it’s left me feeling bewildered. I’ve asked myself: how can this person think like this? How can she have such a shocking disregard of her own achievements? How can she be so insecure? and how is it she feels threatened by those of no comparison?

“The answer to these questions doesn’t lie quite as deeply as we might first imagine.”

If we’re not given sufficient reason to value ourselves when young, we will potentially always struggle to do so. An adult, who has faced neglect and/or physical abuse in childhood, will find it a persistent struggle to achieve higher levels of self-esteem.

It doesn’t matter what achievements they may have made in their life, they will never regard them as such, when inside, there lurks this lack of security and self-belief. A gremlin of monstrous proportions.

It’s often difficult when observing how the neglected are constantly fighting for their lives. Not only fighting to keep their heads above water, but also to wrestle down their own self-destructive, inner-demons. So damaged are they, that life has become an intolerable day to day struggle. Lonely people wondering why, this stinking mess of a life, has turned into such a goddamn hell.

“There is this desire to gently place my hands on her shoulders and tell her softly why she hates him so.”

I see her with these daily struggles. It would be so much easier for her if she understood the principles of projection: how we project our inner demons onto others. We don’t really know, that person sitting opposite us on the bus, but we hate him so.

“We hate him because he represents the coward who took our power and abused us back then.”

Of course simply projecting all this anger and hatred onto others, children included (even our own) does nothing but keep us angry, and hateful. To top it all, these feelings, also keep us confused.

Projecting our inner fears never fixes the problem. Not until we realise how our power was taken away from us, at a time when we we’re powerless to defend ourselves, do we start to change. Now we have a measure of power, we want to strike out, no matter our chosen victim. Stop wasting your energy.

Through these projections, our unconscious mind is looking to help us resolve conflict. When we get this, freedom from our demons, beckons. Do not blame the man on the bus, do not blame yourself, accept the truth and move on.

Small dependent children have the power of love on their side, and yet sometimes this love, doesn’t exist, within the adults around them.

“In this instance, even the power of love is shrouded in the darkness of a cowardly, abusive adult.”

The harmed, when touched by the love of an understanding person, in their adult lives, often don’t know how to react, or what to do with their conflicting feelings. They may even reject this kind of love as fear and confusion grips their soul.

In order to survive, children must love those they’re dependent on, and it’s so often this love, borne of their naivety, that becomes an additional weakness. As adults, believing we may be abused through our love once again, we shut down and reject the good from our lives. 

“When this love and dependence is used and abused by loveless adults, the gates of hell are opened.”

Even though the woman I’ve worked alongside has achieved greatness, even beyond what she can presently understand, I’ve heard her express how death would come as relief. If she could spend just ten minutes in the mind of a loved, cherished and protected child, she would clearly see the almighty struggle her life has been. It may fill her with rage, at the injustice and inequality of it all, and yet, it may also help her realise, what an amazing and beautiful survivor, she is.

“Perhaps then she would cease this journey of self-destruction.”

Children, who are understood for their beautiful-disability of naivety, and their beautiful-vulnerability through dependence, are fortunate. In this way and through these understandings, they’re set free on a course through life, that is sure and true. Fortunate indeed.

When we understand children for their capacity to love, we are all this fortunate, because we set ourselves free too. If only we could cherish more of our children in this way. If only.

Self-Esteem Building & Escaping The Past

On By Andrew FreedmanIn Personal and Professional DevelopmentLeave a comment

“In my dream I’m riding a bike, it’s not any ordinary bike though, no, it’s got this strange canvas canopy built over the top. The frame of this canopy is made of a very light material, carbon fibre or aluminium. At first in the dream I’m thinking that it’s there, this canopy, to keep the rain off, but when I start to pedal I begin to take off, I begin to fly.”

We could think of the canopy as being our self-esteem. Yes, it keeps the weather off, yet it also enables us to fly. We fly provided we put in the required effort; in order to build up enough speed to get airborne, some hard pedalling is needed.

What exactly is this hard pedalling? Well beautiful reader, the hard pedalling represents the effort we must exert, in order to change our conditioned brain. Our conditioned brain, is the part of us that keeps our self-esteem, firmly on the ground. We prefer not to change, we prefer not to move on, and this is all due to the conditioning from those who’ve kept us on the ground, and of course, our own reluctance to make a shift. To make a change, and shift our lives into another gear, takes effort.

“For some it takes no effort at all: they simply decide what they want and where they need to be in the short term, or even the distant future, and they change. Simple.”

Yet for others, there’s this need to remain static, to remain comfortable with the status quo undisturbed. For these people the self-esteem canopy never gets enough wind beneath it, to lift them to those greater heights. Unimaginable heights, and that, is part of the problem.

An Infectious Disease

The human animal hunts the weak or vulnerable, this includes its own. We know there are those who use and abuse. We also know about the paedophiles, the rapists and the murderers; the extremists who value hate more than life itself; we know all about them. We must see them as part of human nature that we’re constantly looking to eradicate. The dilemma is, this kind of sickness, is infectious.

Infectious to the degree that we protect the abusers. We spend time with those who keep us stuck; those we feel some kind of allegiance to; some kind of responsibility or duty. Often, it’s family, we feel this kind of obligation toward. We stay close to those who keep our canopy of self-esteem from lifting us off the ground. We’re always pedalling uphill.

“How is it we’re unable to value ourselves sufficiently in order to break these destructive bonds? We’re unable because of conditioning and guilt.”

So how do we break from the past and its abusers? Well, quite simply, we just make a decision – empowered because we now feel informed. Now you know the truth, of why you’re not achieving, there’s no escaping it now.

Each time we defend our current position, we pedal a little harder. Each time we repeat old patterns, we pedal a little harder. All this pedalling is wearing us out. We catch colds, develop aches and pains; we become incapacitated. Our canopy of self-esteem is collapsing. The chain is beginning to rust. The air in our tyres is escaping. It’s all becoming too much.

But hope lies within; there’s a little glimmer of light. Part of you really knows, and is building the courage to push, just so you can reach the crest of that next hill, up there on the far horizon! The difference is the accepting. The accepting of the human condition. Your self-esteem canopy will fill with air; you will weep with the effort it takes. The effort it takes to understand this dreaded disease the lies dormant within us all. The hunting-disease we carry; the desire to prey on the weak and the vulnerable, so they become stuck too.

Distance yourself from the limitations of the past. You will achieve greatness you never dreamed possible. Contact Us.

Neglect and Emotional Abuse – The Silent Killers

On By Andrew FreedmanIn Personal and Professional Development

feelingtheblues-800px

“We’re hearing a lot about physical and sexual abuse, less heard and less understood, are the silent killers of neglect and emotional abuse.”

When it comes to sexual abuse the damage is often untold. We may find a continuance of unhealthy sexual persuasion. Perhaps we’re promiscuous only to be left with feelings of guilt. Do you find yourself drawn to overpowering and abusing the young as you were?

Social anxiety, low self-esteem and confidence issues, can be related to the powerlessness and confusion we often felt when young. There’s no doubt, the damage of being used, confused and overpowered as a vulnerable child, follows us into adulthood.

It’s often the case, that we’re easily able to work through, and understand the consequences of sexual abuse. We’re able to right the wrongs with compassion, love and understanding, so we may heal our damaged inner child.

“For the victims of neglect and emotional abuse, it’s as if they attract a kind of darkness into their lives – all their lives – only adding to their pain and confusion.”

It’s as if all the bullies, users, abusers, spiteful and hateful people in the world, are drawn especially to them, in order to make their whole lives a painful and miserable experience. The consequences of neglect and emotional abuse, are so far reaching, that they lay waste to so many aspects of our lives. We can become despairing and directionless, falling from one disaster to another, time after time.

A hopeless situation you may think, however, all is not lost. There is much lack within society, and yet this lack, can be countermanded by a waiting abundance, simply through the action of seeking it. I’m not talking about abundance of charity here. I’m not talking about the abundance of a kind hand to a down-and-out on the street here. No, I’m talking about an abundance of information.

blackboard9c

“Provided we have the proper resources, information and understandings, shared in a compassionate and loving manner, the human mind has the ability to heal itself.”

The emotionally abused may not want to face their demons. In fact, the resistance to facing a past – filled with neglect and abuse – can be so great, that many therapist fail to help their clients move forward. They may fail, to help those in need, even glimpse beyond the confines of the negative neurological loop, abuse creates.

The cleverly equipped therapist is easily able to assist their client move through the resistance of the ego. So fast and simple, is the modern technique of GOLD Counselling, that the ego simply doesn’t see it coming. Think sleight of hand. Think about the sugar cube given to a child to disguise the sour taste of a polio vaccine dose. Think about pinching the right hand whilst we suture a wound on the left. We may only get two or three shots, at helping our overly resistant client – fearful of their pain – before a stubborn ego kicks in, yet often this is all it takes, to extend and ease a troubled life.