The Most Important Relationship

A gentleman recently told me he thought he was too independent. On reflection, I heard that to mean, he doesn’t need anyone. A rare thing indeed. When I asked him: ‘Was there any such thing as too independent?’ he replied: “I’m no-one’s prisoner, that’s for sure.”

“I’m ‘no-one’s prisoner’ came across as a curious statement at the time; it made an impression I suppose”

In some respects taking the time to think about what people say is a useful habit. The position I’m in dictates the need for this habit. It’s the analyst in me. Many of us benefit from this kind of hindsight, and yet, I believe even more of us would benefit from it’s opposite. That of foresight. In particular the kind of foresight that would bring the answer to this sort of question:

“What is the likely outcome of what I’m about to say or do?”

It seems at the moment a lot of people, even respected people, are opening their mouths (or twittering their tweets) well before they’ve actually considered the likely effects and consequences. An expensive error. In fact, in my previous post, I mentioned the worthlessness of opinion, but recent events have made us aware of how expensive,  some people’s opinions can prove to be. The more you’re worth, in this world, the more valuable your opinion. This is the case, even though wealth, often has very little to do with emotional maturity, or intelligence. A bit topsy-turvy in my humble opinion.

Anyway, to the point. The gentleman who told me he was ‘no-one’s prisoner’ was right of course. It’s what he feels and believes. The thing is though, he will always be a prisoner of sorts: a prisoner to himself. We’re all prisoners to ourselves to a greater or lesser degree.

“The use of the term itself implies some kind of unseen metaphor to his life”

He also told me how, once there was no love left in his relationship, he’d simply left his wife. I imagine, if we looked deeper into his life, we would see many examples of where he’s continued to imprison himself with the belief ‘too independent.’ The belief comes first. As such, it could be said the belief ‘too independent’ was the cause of his marriage breakdown, rather than the reasoning.

It seems strange to suggest we could imprison ourselves, through believing we’re too independent, however, isn’t isolation just another form of it? The man in question lives alone, alone, alone. The other thing to consider, is how our gentleman in question, potentially associates being in a relationship with being imprisoned. Beautiful partnerships and healthy relationships set us free. Provided we understand how to believe in this, thus achieve it, that is.

“We imprison ourselves with our beliefs”

Imagine the minds flaw as such: We are imprisoned within a castle and our beliefs are the walls. The solution of lowering the drawbridge – creating a gap in the walls – is accomplished through raising our awareness.

Raised awareness awards us foresight. The ability to think before we speak or act. Something to consider, before we do anything, is in what way our beliefs might be limiting us and our relationships. Not just the relationships we have with others, but also, the one we have with ourselves.

An Educational Workshop to raise your awareness. Contact Us.

How to be Extraordinary

“On reading the title of this post you might instantly assume it’ll be about all those marvellous people who achieve wondrous things”

From the world’s greatest sportspeople, to the those who’ve made groundbreaking discoveries, we know all about extraordinary. This post is not about any of them. It’s not about needing to practice something for hours, days and years, to become great. It’s not about the supper intelligence needed to understand the universe, no, none of those things. What it’s about, is how, in just a moment, you can become extraordinary. In a moment of thought to be exact.

Now, I wonder if you’ve ever taken a moment to look at reviews; book reviews in particular. Perhaps a silly question because we all do it don’t we? We buy through the power of approval. The more people approve of something the more likely we’ll buy it. If it’s buying from Amazon we scroll down to check out the reviews. If we’re buying off the shelf, we instantly turn the book over to read the blurb, and we open the cover to seek out the forward and reviews. We actually need this approval to help make our minds up. In fact, it’s often the case, that others make up our minds for us.

And so what I want to talk about is the people who write these reviews. I find it curious. How is it they feel the need to try and either bolster or shatter the ego of authors? How is it these people think they’re sufficiently qualified to give they’re opinions and judgements? What exactly do they think they know?

“The point being, in order to become extraordinary, we must abstain from giving opinion and judgement”

Allow me to explain.

Often when we give an opinion we do it unthinkingly. We’re not actually asking ourselves why we’re doing what we are. We’re not asking: What is the purpose of my words and actions? When we can understand, that our opinion is worthless, we understand something great. In the process we become extraordinary. Allow me to explain further.

Think of this. What if every book review stated this and this alone:

“I’ve read it now make your own mind up”

One thing’s for sure, we’re more likely to buy a book that had fifty statements, than one that had three. We obviously buy from the power of numbers. Does this go some way to explaining the worthlessness of opinion? It’s the numbers that matter, not the words.

“To become a truly extraordinary person, all you need do, is recognise an important fact”

When you’re one of the unthinking multitudes you’re nothing. Once you begin to ask yourself a few fundamental, simple questions, you become a true individual. In reality, there aren’t that many truly individual people about. As such, there’s lots of opportunity out there! Becoming extraordinary is the easiest thing in the world when you think of it. Here are those questions mentioned:

  1. What is my true purpose?
  2. Is what I’m about to say or do based on love or fear?

Before the second question finds its power, you will need to understand and recognise the difference between the motivation of love, or fear respectively. Try this one for example. ALL Amazon reviews, are based on fear. “What?!” I hear you say.

Here’s a clue. Writing a good review is driven by a need to bolster the authors ego through bolstering your own. You want people to read and value what you have to say about a good author. You’re doing it off the back of someone else’s work. That is fear driven. The (seeming) opposite of writing a bad review, is the need to damage the ego of the author, and bolster your own in the process. Also fear driven.

“Keeping opinions to yourself is driven by love because you’re allowing the potential readers to be individuals themselves”

When what you do and say is based on love the more considerate and extraordinary you’ll become. Through thinking and asking just two questions – then searching deeply – you’ll become extraordinary in an instant. Furthermore you could become a beautiful person, and that, is extraordinary!

You Only Have What You Give

Consider the warnings on cigarette packaging. If you glance inside a well stocked tobacco products cabinet nowadays, it’s like viewing a scene from a poor horror movie, or paying a visit to a very distressing hospital ward or mortuary. The question is, does this put smokers off? It might have an impact on those who don’t smoke, yet those who already have the habit, aren’t likely to care. They already play the ‘lung cancer lottery’ and many seem happy to do so. The advice on cigarette packaging is largely ignored.

“In some ways this has a lot to do with how the advice is dispensed”

Scare tactics might work for some, at least for a while, yet during my time as a Hypnotherapist, it was positive reinforcement, of the benefits to ceasing smoking, that seemed to hit the mark. In my experience, all aversion therapy tends to do, is reinforce the guilt potentially driving the habit in the first place. With that in mind, what are the horrors – portrayed on tobacco product packaging – doing to the observer, at an unconscious level? Guilt is self-destructive.

“Getting rid of guilt is a tricky business”

It’s an emotion instilled into the mind of the average human from a very early age. If we advise parents to show caution, in how they teach the kids, we must do this through reinforcing the benefits to well considered methods. The guilt free tend to live happier, healthier lives after all. And so, when needing to set boundaries, do we reinforce positive behaviour and ignore the bad? Not really, no. What we must do, is find a way to help children realise the benefits to good behaviour, and the limitations of bad. If we shout: “stop that it’s naughty” we teach guilt. If we ignore the bad but gently say: “if you share your toys with Johnny he’ll play nicely with you” we’re more likely to be on a winner.

In an ideal world, the key, is to never instill guilt to begin with. When it comes to removing established guilt, far better to say: “You have nothing to fear as you seek a beautiful, healthy life, as a non-smoker.”

In addition to how advice is dispensed, the reason for why it’s so often ignored, often comes down to disbelief. We just don’t believe the way someone else does things, could be better, than the way we’ve been taught. Also, it’s the confident and self-assured, who’re better at acknowledging the usefulness of clever advice. Contrary to this if we have a fragile ego, combined with a lack of confidence, advice can be seen as an attack and threat to an already shaky sense of self. Our behaviour becomes our identity, and to question that, questions who we are? An instilled doubt many can’t cope with. Who are you exactly?

“If we say who you are is actually something quite different to what you’ve been taught to believe, we put in doubt those things we hold dear: our identity”

When the guilty, fully realise how guilt is a destructive control-rod over their lives, they often turn things around. Gentle advice comes from a voice of compassion and love as opposed to fear and control. If you’re in the business, of advising people how to live better lives, remember it’s the guilty who teach guilt in the first place.

“Removing our own guilt is done through advising in a guilt free manner”

To be whiter than white is impossible, we learn from our mistakes. However, how we feel about the things we’ve done, is a choice. We must question what purpose feeling guilty about past errors actually serves.

Sometimes it’s serves us well to have an awareness of the past before we can move forward. If all we do is lock away negative feelings they’ll drive us in negative ways. Briefly opening up those wounds, and moments of regret, reminds us of who taught us the guilt. Was it a parent from within your own mind? Be a better parent to yourself and reinforce the good. Gently closing the wound now, having removed the irritant, from under the skin.

Some advice is designed to free the person giving it. After all, we only have, what we give. Be free.

Teach Me Passion – Award Me A Beautiful Life

“Prompted by an earlier conversation I feel it’s time to talk about passion once again”

How would a Buddhist describe his beautiful life? A Buddhist would no doubt go into talking about Buddhist philosophies and beliefs. He would assert that beauty is found through following his beliefs and philosophies. The Buddhists believe they have the answers. Because they believe this, they have.

I believe, when we take matters down to their grass roots, we’re awarded a much clearer understanding of things. At this level, we can see the reason why Buddhists believe they have beautiful lives. We clearly see it’s because of their passion for Buddhism. The same goes for anyone who’s successful in fully believing their own useful and positive beliefs and philosophies. And this is the case no matter what they may be. 

To further explain, let’s say we asked Elon Musk or Richard Branson whether their life was beautiful, and if so, how they’ve achieved it. It’s quite possible they’d also go into the realms of their beliefs and philosophies. Once again though, we can nail this on the head by recognising something very important about wealth and success: it’s passion that brings it.

“Whether Buddhist or businessman, happiness, and the prospect of living a beautiful life, comes as a byproduct of passion”

Both of the above examples highlight what lies at the root to happiness, wellbeing, and beauty. Never get strung up on the detail of why people are living beautiful lives. It’s all relative to their particular philosophies and beliefs, and they’ll no doubt be happy to fill you in, on all the details. The thing to remember is this: In the example of Buddhist, or wealthy businessman, both believe they’re living beautiful lives. And this is even though they live at opposite ends of the spectrum.

 

And so, it comes as no surprise to say, once you find a useful and positive philosophy to believe in – and be deeply passionate about – you’ll be on the path toward finding a beautiful life. It has nothing to do with status, wealth or standing, and has everything to do with passion.

“In whatever you choose to do with life, learn how to be passionate, about it”

This brings me neatly to a gentle reminder of what lies beneath passion. Oh yes. For just as with quantum mechanics, we’re also able to reduce human drivings down many levels. What lies beneath passion is love. Once you’ve learnt what love really is, you will effortlessly, Create, A Beautiful, Life.

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How to Adore the Company of Children

“Let’s be honest, it doesn’t come naturally to all of us”

And even though we might not particularly enjoy children we may find ourselves with them. With this in mind, it is possible to learn how to adore them. You were one yourself after all.

I’m going to ask you some important questions now: Were you liked as a child? Did you get a sense of being loved? Did you feel the adults around you enjoyed your company?

These are interesting questions because it’s surprising how many children there are, who’s parents or carers, don’t particularly enjoy their company. In fact it’s often those parents who have made their children ‘mates’ that enjoy their company the most. The problem being, children need adults to be parents, not mates.

Mates don’t set boundaries, or teach children how to behave once mature. As adults we’re not actually here to make friends with our children, we’re here to raise them and set good example of how to be grown. There’s a big difference between mates and parents. If you need children to be your friends perhaps you should consider getting out more.

“So, even though we know appropriate boundaries dictate that children’s mates are other children, we can still adore their company as their parents or carers”

Children are extremely sensitive and will know if we’re enjoying being around them (as parents and carers) or not. In fact, when we get to the nitty-gritty of the situation, people who don’t enjoy children were often the ones not appreciated when they were small. Many of us have been taught to actually dislike our young through being disliked when young ourselves.

I myself was disliked. Children often find it hard to get the love and attention they crave from their parents. Bad behaviour is often resorted to when good behaviour just gets us ignored. As a means of getting attention from my parents, I’d often be very pessimistic and down, complaining about anything and everything. My father would call me ‘pessimistic Percy’ and yet I didn’t mind that so much; at least I was getting through, in some capacity. Getting on his nerves got me attention. Albeit the negative kind. As children that’s all we want and need: Our parents or carers love and attention. Hard for some to digest is it not?

“Rather a packet of crisps and something sugary while we drink our gin and tonic hey? Fucked up isn’t it?”

Here’s the key. To adore our children we must learn to enjoy their company. We must learn to enjoy their inquisitiveness; their seriousness at play; their beauty and innocence. When we acknowledge good behaviour we’re able to appreciate them at their very best: attentive to us and our positive love. To do this, we must learn to love the child within ourselves that wasn’t. Sound simple? It is.

You can learn more on an educational workshop. Here is the application form. See you soon.

Knowing The Self – What There Is To Gain

I feel this has a lot to do with confidence. This is to say, the better we know ourselves, in terms of what we like, dislike our drivings and shortcomings, the more self-assured we become.

“Self-assured is having the confidence to communicate what we want (or don’t want) in clear and exact terms to those around us”

In my last post, I indirectly spoke of how important it is, to discontinue the habit of suffering fools gladly. Contrary to what’s stated here, it can never be wise, to suffer fools gladly. The negative influences of fools, are so far reaching, it will always be far, far better, to remove yourself from their lives completely.  

If we’re tired of someone’s conversation, or company for that matter, we must be prepared to acknowledge this to ourselves. Once we do, we’re then much better equipped to find gentle, yet assertive ways, of getting what we want.

“What we want could simply be freedom from the negative influences of other people”

For the majority of our lives many of us find it difficult to assert our true wants. We tolerate the behaviour of others – even though it keeps us frustrated, annoyed and potentially stuck – simply because of fear. The fear we might hurt someone else’s feelings.

Also, our outdated need to be liked and approved of by others, is so great, it only adds to our unnecessary, high tolerance, toward them. Even though we know their behaviour is inappropriate or backward we continue to tolerated it.

And so, the ability to free ourselves – using the game highlighted here – requires a high degree of confidence and self-assurance. Confidence, combined with self-assurance, lowers our tolerance threshold toward idiots. Knowing ourselves better, so we may update our thinking, empowers us to get our wants and needs met.

“Eventually there comes a point when the pressure valve blows, far better to assert our wants and needs, now”

Once we understand ourselves better, we gain the confidence to become self-assured enough to get our true wants and needs met. Tolerating the backward inhibiting nature of others ceases once we begin to assert ourselves.

With all this in mind, it is important to be aware, of an important fact: It is impossible to embark on a journey of self-discovery alone. When embarking on this path, we always, always require, the assistance of others, .

So join us. We’re the people who’ve already taken this road, but have turned back, so we may help you find the love and beauty, rightfully deserved, in your life.

Enrolment, on a Personal Development Weekend Workshop, involves the simple process of completing the on-line application form here.

The Clutterfuck Random Question Answer

If the everyday nonsense of people’s conversation or behaviour is beginning to test your sanity, try this game: The Clutterfuck Random Question Answer Game.

One example would be when someone has started to repeat themselves a lot. They may seem unaware that you’ve heard the same old bollocks time and time again and so a Clutterfuck will be necessary. Here’s an example:

“Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,” say’s the person next to you and your response is:

“As much as I’m interested in what you have to say, I do have a question for you. Are you ready?”

You may or may not have engaged your opponents attention at this point. If you have, all well and good, if not, you could insist by telling them how important the question is. Like this:

“I understand that you’re uninterested at the moment, however, the question is important enough for you to be interested.”

You’ll surely have them by now, so you can continue with the Clutterfuck. Here it is:

“What exactly is wrong with Wensleydale?” you ask.

Okay, hopefully you can see where we’re going with this? Your random question is designed to show them how insane you’ve been driven by their drivel. Your Clutterfuck is of course also drivel, and that’s the whole point. We can only hope their answer makes some sense so we can then begin the process of dragging the conversation onto something interesting. Like cheese for example.

So, in future whenever you’re faced with boring, childish, repetitive drivel and bollocks, remember the Clutterfuck Random Question Answer Game.