The White-Hot Rage Of My Higher-Self

bambino infuriato
The White-Hot Rage Of My Higher-Self is Seeking to Understand

I feel angry most of the time. Yeah I know, it’s crazy isn’t it? “How and why do you feel angry most of the time?” I hear you ask. Well, I’ll get to that.

I recently read a story about the author Terry Pratchett. He said – of discovering he had alzheimer’s – that he felt angry. Well, I don’t have alzheimer’s disease, yet I can understand Terry Pratchett’s anger, and not just his anger in the moment and months following his diagnosis, I understanding by tracing it back to his childhood.

At school Terry Pratchett was bullied and told by someone – as he put it: “three foot taller than myself” – that he’d come to nothing because he couldn’t read or right by the time he was six. During the course of his life, Pratchett set about proving that person wrong, and he most certainly succeeded. In recent times, so enraged was he, on being diagnosed with alzheimer’s, that he went on to write a further seven novels and his autobiography. I believe the root to his anger, and potentially the root to his dis-ease, was in fact traceable to one experience.

“We can be provoked into action through some unexpected means.”

It could be said, the very reason Terry Pratchett was so successful, can be directly attributed to the provocation he experienced as a child: A reversed psychology, that he decided to see as unintentional, from a person three foot taller than himself. Of course we can never know whether it was intentional provocation or not.

Homeless stray dog black
My Higher-Self Hungers to Understand

“So to the root of my anger. I have plenty of reasons to be angry. It would be pointless boring you, by going into all that unnecessary detail and I have no wish to emulate the symptoms of alzheimer’s, by going round and round in circles for you.”

Suffice to say, I decided to release the anger, from certain experiences during my childhood, many moons ago. This was achieved through understanding the failures, of the people around me at that time, as being due to their ignorance. This doesn’t make it right, what it does do though, is give me air:

“The air to breath so I may help free others from the damage ignorance can cause.”

I mainly do this, by looking to avoid the intellectualization, so many academics seem to be unwittingly falling into.

“It’s easy to understand when those explaining it have nothing to prove.”

So, back to my anger. I do it to myself. Yes, that’s right, there are times when I can feel myself walking into situations, where I’m going to prove, how horrible human beings are. Sometimes my anger is the anger I feel at my own disappointment. Yep. In other words, I feel angry at myself, for feeling disappointed in human beings. I question what right I have in feeling disappointed. I have no right to f**cking judge anyone. See the anger again?

Anxiety

All in all, one thing I am aware of is my higher self. It’s this higher self that looks to bring me into situation where I’ll feel angry. Take the experience of the ill-mannered lady mentioned in my ranting post: Just The Average Human Then, I didn’t need to try and drive into the space occupied by her.

By standing in a parking space, I knew she was trying to jump the queue, as it were, yet I drove on causing myself to become annoyed at her unthinking bad manners and ignorance. Her desire to overpower me, and all others who might have happened along before me, rightfully deserving that parking space, annoyed me: I’m angry at the injustice of it all. I’m angry at people and their constant need to f**cking overpower me or take my power away. I’m still angry at ALL the f**cking bullies of the world. I feel as if it’s become a one man crusade against ignorance and help all others understand the human will to power.

It is in fact very hard to resolve issues of bullying. If you feel victimised and bullied, and have felt this all your life, it quite possibly lies in one experience from childhood, that has then been compounded by many others as you’ve moved through life. We can look to resolve the bullying, through helping free others from this pain, and yet ultimately, unless we’re really able to deal with our own demons, the damage, of feeling powerless through fear, can remain far reaching.

So we go on. We look to right the wrongs, and find a way to use our anger in a constructive way, that’s beneficial to others. One thing to bear in mind, those who look to take your power, through whatever means – and be assured there are many – are the truly powerless. If that woman – standing in my parking space – had power of her own, she’d have told her husband to go f**ck himself and wait in the queue (with his car) like everyone else. Besides, I have so much power  – derived from my desire to understand – I’ve plenty to give away:

“You’re Welcome, and remember, the truly powerless are those who look to bully you out of yours. They’re the frightened ones. Help them release their fear by understanding them. This is called LOVE and love will show you how they too had their power taken, at a time when they were also vulnerable. Help them feel powerful, by empowering them, with love.”